First of all, before you read anything else, know that you are not alone. Yes, this whole baby thing is more amazing than you could have imagined, and it just plain sucks a lot more than you ever thought it would. You are not crazy. It will get better. You will be normal again. I promise.
I spent 9 months reading books and websites about every aspect of pregnancy. I spent hours researching my registry items. I went to the childbirth classes and watched countless episodes of "Baby Story." And I think I handled the pregnancy and the delivery all right. But nothing prepared me for those first few weeks at home. No one warned me what that would really be like.
Well, here you go. I'll tell you my story. I'll tell you what I wish someone had told me.
The first week just sucks. I was a hormonal, emotional mess. I cried all the time. I cried because I was so tired. I cried thinking of how much pain I was in and how different my body felt. I cried worried if I would ever get back to normal. I cried because it hurt so badly to sit in our kitchen chairs. I cried because my nipples were blistered and sore and the last thing I wanted to do was nurse. I cried seeing Alex with Will, calming him by rocking him and allowing him to suck his little finger. I cried watching my mom so excited to have a grandson and watching her sing to Will the songs she had once sung to me. I cried realizing that I was not a child any more—I was a mom. I cried when flowers arrived and I was overcome by the joy of others as we welcomed little Will. I cried wondering if I would ever be able to do all this on my own. And I cried when I thought of how lucky I was, how blessed I was to have a son and be starting a family with the man I love.
I know it was hard for Alex to see me so emotionally exhausted. Even though Will started sleeping in his crib his second night home, we were both tired because our sleep was interrupted and irregular. We were just off our routine. Nothing was “normal” anymore. We couldn’t go to bed at the same time, we couldn’t eat dinner together. We didn’t have our “us” time. My mom helped as much as she could. She took Will on a walk one night during dinner to allow us to eat in peace. She would let me feed Will, then she would take over soothing him to sleep. That helped, but then I would start crying again thinking that I was a horrible mother who would rather pawn off her child on someone else than be there to fulfill his needs. I cried because I knew I couldn't handle all this.
I hated feeling helpless and worthless. I hated that I couldn't go up and down the stairs. Alex said I just had to sit back and relax and let other people help me out. I was on "Injured Reserve"--I wasn't cleared to be on the field. I would heal and I would get back in the game, and my old position would be waiting for me, but not yet. (I cried when he said that, too!)
The second week I started to feel just enough better physically that I started to believe that I would heal and I might be normal one day. This small physical change made a huge difference for my emotional well-being, too, as I started to gain a little confidence in my own ability to get through this. I still couldn't get a handle on the tears. I was ready to have my mom leave when the time came, but I was still a teary mess when we said goodbye and reality sunk in. I was the mom now. It was up to me to get a handle on my own junk so that I could focus on filling the needs of my baby...and focus on my husband, too!
By the third week (actually, 2.5 weeks after delivery), I was back in my jeans and that's when I really started to feel better! Those little milestones become really big deals. I also noticed my emotions evening out as well. No more super-high highs and terrifyingly-low lows. The tears started to dissipate.
By the fourth week, I was taking walks outside again. They started very short, but I was able to get outside, have some quiet time with Alex (Will always slept in the stroller!), and begin to enjoy some of the aspects of motherhood.
By the sixth week I thought, "If I was going back to work, I could do it now!" I felt pretty much back to normal.
By the eighth week (yes, it really took that long for me), I finally was able to nurse without pain. I started to look forward to those times in the day when he would nurse with me. We would snuggle together, maybe watch some junk HGTV, or just listen to some quiet music. Sometimes he would lie with me in bed and I loved taking a half hour periodically in the day to slow down and just be together.
I'm writing this now six months in. I'm still not back to 100% normal, but I'm close. I can honestly say, though, that everything--all the pain, all the craziness--is well worth it and motherhood is the greatest adventure I've ever experienced. It's so much better than I could have imagined.
So, new mom, you'll get through this. You'll be fine. Take advantage of the help you are offered. Don't be afraid to cry or be scared. But remember: You'll be fine. You will be a great mom. You will love your kid tremendously. You'll probably always cry more than you did before (that's motherhood!) but you will get a handle on your emotions. You will regain your sex drive. You will feel normal again.
You'll be fine. You'll be better than fine. You'll be great.
Your friend,
Sarah
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