I Am Who My Son Will Be

Alex and I have started grasping the idea that this is all really happening!  Alex has been picturing the baby as a child for a long time now.  I have been more focused on the pregnancy itself, monitoring my body changing, and worrying about everything being okay.  I am finally allowing myself to get attached to the idea that soon, we will have a little boy in our house.  Soon we will be changing diapers, buying tricycles, driving to Tee Ball practice, helping with homework, watching high school sporting events, and one day, choosing colleges.

As I begin to picture this little baby as a boy, I have been asking myself what I want him to be like.  I want him to be a good student, athletic, respectful, compassionate, verbal.  I want him to learn to love life and to be full of joy.  I want him to be committed to Christ.  This is a tall order.  How do I train this child in a way that will make him all of these things?

My mother has said before that kids will learn what you teach, but they will replicate what you live.  In other words, as I am with my son every day, I am modeling behaviors that he will one day replicate.  I see that true in my own life—my own strengths and my own flaws are also strengths and flaws of my parents.  No one is perfect, and I’m sure biology gets in the way here somewhere, but I’m starting to realize the huge responsibility I carry.  If I want my son to read books, I have to read books.  If I want my son to be compassionate, I have to participate in service projects and give generously to those in need.  If I want my son to be full of joy, I have to let go of my worrying and lighten up a little.  If I want my son to be committed to Christ, I have to make my own Bible reading and prayer a priority.
I cannot control who my son will be.  I will not get caught up in worrying about that, either.  I can—and I will—be the best person I can be and trust God with the rest.

Lessons

I have learned that God gives you a baby in His timing and not in yours.  For us, it was only when we surrendered the entire process to his care that I got pregnant.  I remember standing in the shower while yet another of my weekly pregnancy test strips was developing and I prayed, “God, I trust this all to Your timing.”  And that was the morning I saw two pink lines.

I’ve also learned already that this little boy is God’s and not mine.  I know that God uses bad experiences to bring us to Him.  I know that his goal for my life is that I am completely dependant upon Him and that I live like that’s true.  For a few months I lived with a fear that God would take away this pregnancy in order to teach me to trust him.  I wouldn’t pray to draw nearer to Him.  I wouldn’t surrender the baby to Him.  I was so afraid.  But I learned another truth about God.  God is love.  Yes, I’ve known that since vacation Bible school, but I really had to get it.  God is love.  He loves me.  He loves this baby.  I can totally trust Him with the pregnancy and with this child as he grows because He loves him even more than I ever could.  He wants us to depend on Him.  And we can. Completely.  What a relief!