Alex and I watched "We Bought a Zoo" this weekend and it had me sobbing. The story centers on Benjamin Mee who is grieving the recent loss of his wife while trying to find the strength to help his two young children cope as well. He decides a move is necessary and they end up purchasing a non-operational zoo and working with its staff to bring it back to working condition. It is a feel good movie about loss and redemption...so why was I crying?
There are these scenes where the Benjamin's grief is palpable. Once he opens his iPhoto and begins to look at photos of his wife and recall memories of the family together. Ugh. And then you see the kids grieving, too. The 7-year-old girl sleeps with her mom's old sweatshirt and in another scene, the 13-year-old boy clutches a framed picture of his mother and sobs.
The movie got me.
I used to have fear about either Alex or me dying and leaving the other behind. I have worked this out a little bit. If I let myself think about such a situation, I know that we could find someone else and we would eventually be okay. Yes, it's horrible to think about, but a few years ago, I came to terms with the fact that if something happened to me, Alex would be okay.
But now things are different. Now the stakes are higher. Now there's Will. And if something happened to me, I don't know if he would be okay.
It's a little bit easier to replace a spouse--someone you chose in the first place. Someone you have experienced life without, and even if you can't imagine it that way again, you know in your heart you have done it and you can do it again. Not mom. Mom is someone you've always known. Mom is someone you haven't ever lived without. Mom is someone who cannot be replaced.
So that's why I sobbed when I saw little Dylan and Rosie in the movie trying to cope with their mother's death.
And that's why I have an internal struggle now to get to a point where I trust God enough to know that if something happened to me, Will would also be okay.
I don't want to live in fear. I want to live in faith. I want to trust in God's goodness. I want to know that He is love. I know in my head that God is sovereign and is in control...I want to believe it in my heart.
5.29.2012
5.21.2012
What I Learned About Being a Mom From Being a Teacher
As a teacher, I got to play armchair quarterback for all of the families represented by the students who funneled in and out of my classroom each day. I had my own opinions of what should be happening at home, but I didn't have to man the front lines of daily struggles to get lunches made, clothes on, get out the door, keep track of children's after-school whereabouts, take care of sign ups and activity fees, help with homework, handle the joys of making the soccer team, and the disappointment of not getting into the dream college.
I get it. It's tough. A lot tougher than I realized before I became a mom myself.
Still, from my position on the sidelines, I witnessed the patterns. The similar struggles of child after child, year after year. And I have some ideas on what works and what doesn't. Here's what I know.
1. Parents should let their kids fail.
I know this must be agonizing for a parent. We want our kids to be successful at everything they do. We want them to get trophies and stickers. We don't want them to feel bad about themselves. But reality is that times will come when they will try something and they will fail. And that's okay. As parents, starting at an early age, we must combat the dominant cultural message that failure is bad and replace it with the message that failure is a learning opportunity that will make us better. I saw too many students who failed at something (and I don't mean that they failed English--I mean that they didn't do their homework and failed a 5-point reading quiz), and they threw in the towel and completely gave up and shut down. Or worse, lied or cheated to prevent failure. They believed that failure was ultimate. Failure was personal. Failure meant that they were bad students. Failure meant that they may as well not even try. Then there were other students. The ones who failed a reading quiz and looked me in the eye and said, "You know what? I was lazy last night and I didn't read. I deserve an 'F' on this quiz. I'll read tonight and be prepared for tomorrow." I admired these kids. They had been taught to admit to failure because failure happens. And they will learn from their mistakes and be successful going forward.
2. Parents should help their kids realize their unique talents and abilities.
Sometimes kids fail at something because it's just not what they were cut out to do. In seventh grade, my best friends went out for cheerleading and made the squad. I wanted desperately to join them. I was so jealous when they were together at practice and I was alone on the bus on my way home. But I couldn't even do a cartwheel. My mom hugged me while I cried and helped me think of things I was good at. She reminded me of some skits I had done at church and said I seemed to have natural acting ability. So, I tried out for the school play, made the cast, and that sparked a love of acting and many leading roles down the road. I felt successful and I felt significant because I found what I was wired to do. My friendships with my cheerleading friends waned, but that was okay because I found new friends, friends who were wired like me. Not every kid is talented in the same ways. Some are athletic, some are musical, some are scientific, some are artistic. Parents know their own kids better than anyone and should help them recognize their own strengths and talents. This will help them be able to admit their own weaknesses when they pop up without giving up on themselves or questioning their identity and self worth.
3. Parents should encourage their kids to do their best, but not allow them to feel pressure to be the best.
As I talked with my students, I found that they would often admit to putting pressure on themselves to be the best at everything. I think, though, that this pressure really comes from spoken or assumed parental expectations, and the child's deep-rooted desire to please them. Whether or not the pressure comes from parents, it can be alleviated by parents. Kids need to be reminded often that they are loved unconditionally, no matter what grades they get or what teams they make. They also need to be held accountable to do their best, but with realistic expectations. For example, a parent should not offer a lavish reward for a child getting an "A" in math when really, that subject is a huge struggle and a "C" would be representative of the child's best work. When an "A" is not achieved, the student feels bad about himself and feels that he has disappointed his parents. Help your child set reasonable, realistic, short-term goals and celebrate small successes along the way to show that you value hard work more than an end result.
4. Parents should teach kids how to prioritize their time.
The time will come when the demands of homework, a baseball game, Grandma's birthday party, piano practice, and the TV series finale everyone is talking about all collide on one sad and terrifying evening and a student realizes that what is required of them is simply humanly impossible in the time they have to work with. Depending on the child, the result is either a meltdown of mythic proportions or total shut down and hours spent simply surfing the internet until she falls asleep. This is a "teachable moment"--take advantage of it! Help the child write down everything they have to do and then prioritize the list. What must be done first, second, and what can wait until tomorrow. Weigh the consequences of something not getting completed--for example, will you lose more points for turning in math homework late, or your major quarter project? Making choices, prioritizing time, and accepting consequences is an important life skill (here also lies opportunities for lessons on why procrastinating doesn't work!). Left to their own devices, I have seen many students choose to spend hours working on a small-value homework assignment for history and fail to study for a big-point test, simply because they feel overwhelmed. Parents can help teach their kids how to make choices about how to spend their limited time.
There are also social skills that parents can impress upon their children. This is discussed in another post.
I get it. It's tough. A lot tougher than I realized before I became a mom myself.
Still, from my position on the sidelines, I witnessed the patterns. The similar struggles of child after child, year after year. And I have some ideas on what works and what doesn't. Here's what I know.
1. Parents should let their kids fail.
I know this must be agonizing for a parent. We want our kids to be successful at everything they do. We want them to get trophies and stickers. We don't want them to feel bad about themselves. But reality is that times will come when they will try something and they will fail. And that's okay. As parents, starting at an early age, we must combat the dominant cultural message that failure is bad and replace it with the message that failure is a learning opportunity that will make us better. I saw too many students who failed at something (and I don't mean that they failed English--I mean that they didn't do their homework and failed a 5-point reading quiz), and they threw in the towel and completely gave up and shut down. Or worse, lied or cheated to prevent failure. They believed that failure was ultimate. Failure was personal. Failure meant that they were bad students. Failure meant that they may as well not even try. Then there were other students. The ones who failed a reading quiz and looked me in the eye and said, "You know what? I was lazy last night and I didn't read. I deserve an 'F' on this quiz. I'll read tonight and be prepared for tomorrow." I admired these kids. They had been taught to admit to failure because failure happens. And they will learn from their mistakes and be successful going forward.
2. Parents should help their kids realize their unique talents and abilities.
Sometimes kids fail at something because it's just not what they were cut out to do. In seventh grade, my best friends went out for cheerleading and made the squad. I wanted desperately to join them. I was so jealous when they were together at practice and I was alone on the bus on my way home. But I couldn't even do a cartwheel. My mom hugged me while I cried and helped me think of things I was good at. She reminded me of some skits I had done at church and said I seemed to have natural acting ability. So, I tried out for the school play, made the cast, and that sparked a love of acting and many leading roles down the road. I felt successful and I felt significant because I found what I was wired to do. My friendships with my cheerleading friends waned, but that was okay because I found new friends, friends who were wired like me. Not every kid is talented in the same ways. Some are athletic, some are musical, some are scientific, some are artistic. Parents know their own kids better than anyone and should help them recognize their own strengths and talents. This will help them be able to admit their own weaknesses when they pop up without giving up on themselves or questioning their identity and self worth.
3. Parents should encourage their kids to do their best, but not allow them to feel pressure to be the best.
As I talked with my students, I found that they would often admit to putting pressure on themselves to be the best at everything. I think, though, that this pressure really comes from spoken or assumed parental expectations, and the child's deep-rooted desire to please them. Whether or not the pressure comes from parents, it can be alleviated by parents. Kids need to be reminded often that they are loved unconditionally, no matter what grades they get or what teams they make. They also need to be held accountable to do their best, but with realistic expectations. For example, a parent should not offer a lavish reward for a child getting an "A" in math when really, that subject is a huge struggle and a "C" would be representative of the child's best work. When an "A" is not achieved, the student feels bad about himself and feels that he has disappointed his parents. Help your child set reasonable, realistic, short-term goals and celebrate small successes along the way to show that you value hard work more than an end result.
4. Parents should teach kids how to prioritize their time.
The time will come when the demands of homework, a baseball game, Grandma's birthday party, piano practice, and the TV series finale everyone is talking about all collide on one sad and terrifying evening and a student realizes that what is required of them is simply humanly impossible in the time they have to work with. Depending on the child, the result is either a meltdown of mythic proportions or total shut down and hours spent simply surfing the internet until she falls asleep. This is a "teachable moment"--take advantage of it! Help the child write down everything they have to do and then prioritize the list. What must be done first, second, and what can wait until tomorrow. Weigh the consequences of something not getting completed--for example, will you lose more points for turning in math homework late, or your major quarter project? Making choices, prioritizing time, and accepting consequences is an important life skill (here also lies opportunities for lessons on why procrastinating doesn't work!). Left to their own devices, I have seen many students choose to spend hours working on a small-value homework assignment for history and fail to study for a big-point test, simply because they feel overwhelmed. Parents can help teach their kids how to make choices about how to spend their limited time.
There are also social skills that parents can impress upon their children. This is discussed in another post.
5.18.2012
Nine Months
The nine months of pregnancy seemed to drag on forever...and yet nine months of motherhood have gone by in a flash. At the nine month mark, I cannot believe how much Will is doing. He is reaching for things, and handing them to me. He is curious about everything. He just wants to touch, taste, chew, bang on, and pull on anything within reach. He's learning to use his voice. He will play Peek-a-Boo. When a blanket is covering his head (or mine), he will pull it off and smile when I say, "peek-a-boo!".
Will is more squirmy. He moves around on the floor like a roly poly. Even though he's not crawling really, he's scooting around on the floor and sort of army crawling backward, until he runs into the couch or the ottoman. He has rhythm! He jumps and moves in time with music. He can stand up while holding onto the side of the ottoman or the couch...or holding onto Alex's or my hands. He loves to be standing! He is also very ticklish. Blowing in his ear or running a toy car up his back elicit screams of laughter.
His two top teeth are in now. He has really handled the teething like a trooper. It looks so painful, but he seems to rarely be bothered. He has started eating table food and Puffs now that he can use that pincer grasp and pick up little objects to feed himself. He loves Puffs (now our saving grace at the nursery!).
We're starting to teach him "no"--certain things cannot be touched or tasted, and certain things hurt (like grabbing Bella's--or our--hair).
He started to reach for me, which melts my heart every time. Someone else can be holding him and he will squirm and reach for me when he sees me. I love knowing that he knows me and loves me! He will, though, let all of his grandparents hold him with glee--no hint of stranger anxiety there. That also warms my hears, knowing that he knows and loves his grandparents!
When people meet Will for the first time or when they haven't seen him in a while, they comment on how serious he is. It's funny because when he is out of his environment or around new people, he is very serious. He isn't sure of what's going on and he wants to check everything out. But once he warms up, he is a lot of fun. He smiles and talks and sings and giggles. And once he gets to know you, he will hug and cuddle you and take your breath away. I get to experience it every day.
Will is more squirmy. He moves around on the floor like a roly poly. Even though he's not crawling really, he's scooting around on the floor and sort of army crawling backward, until he runs into the couch or the ottoman. He has rhythm! He jumps and moves in time with music. He can stand up while holding onto the side of the ottoman or the couch...or holding onto Alex's or my hands. He loves to be standing! He is also very ticklish. Blowing in his ear or running a toy car up his back elicit screams of laughter.
His two top teeth are in now. He has really handled the teething like a trooper. It looks so painful, but he seems to rarely be bothered. He has started eating table food and Puffs now that he can use that pincer grasp and pick up little objects to feed himself. He loves Puffs (now our saving grace at the nursery!).
We're starting to teach him "no"--certain things cannot be touched or tasted, and certain things hurt (like grabbing Bella's--or our--hair).
He started to reach for me, which melts my heart every time. Someone else can be holding him and he will squirm and reach for me when he sees me. I love knowing that he knows me and loves me! He will, though, let all of his grandparents hold him with glee--no hint of stranger anxiety there. That also warms my hears, knowing that he knows and loves his grandparents!
When people meet Will for the first time or when they haven't seen him in a while, they comment on how serious he is. It's funny because when he is out of his environment or around new people, he is very serious. He isn't sure of what's going on and he wants to check everything out. But once he warms up, he is a lot of fun. He smiles and talks and sings and giggles. And once he gets to know you, he will hug and cuddle you and take your breath away. I get to experience it every day.
5.05.2012
Solids: Stage 3
Now that we are well into 8 months, I have progressed to my own version of "stage 3 solids."
In all my research, I have found that there is no set method that doctors and experts agree on. Good news for me because I am trying to take a conservative approach, but I am certainly not following any set guide!
For me, Stage 3 means:
Happy Babycooking!
In all my research, I have found that there is no set method that doctors and experts agree on. Good news for me because I am trying to take a conservative approach, but I am certainly not following any set guide!
For me, Stage 3 means:
- Three meals a day.
- Meals often include a mixed puree of several items.
- Add chicken to the diet--I plan to add other meats, too, as I have them on hand.
- Add more yogurt.
- Add some seasonings (cinnamon, garlic, cumin...okay, that's all I'm brave enough for so far!).
- Offer "puffs" and small pieces of banana or other soft foods to encourage chewing.
- Offer juice in a cup occasionally. (I really started this because Will needed a little prune juice to help soften things up if you know what I mean!)
- Mango, spinach, pear (blend raw in food processor...maybe add a little apple juice if you need it)
- Peach and dried apricot
- Broccoli and apple
- Pea and pear (sometimes I add green beans)
- Sweet Potato, pear, banana
- Sweet potato, banana, yogurt
- Chicken and dried apricot
- Chicken, rice, and veggies (any and all--I actually made and froze a chicken-vegetable-rice soup)
Happy Babycooking!
5.04.2012
Now I have to actually be a parent? Ugh.
It has begun. We now look at Will and say "No." My little innocent angel is now pulling my hair, clawing at my face, taking the washcloth out of my hands as I'm trying to wash down his face, grabbing at poor Bella. Yikes. I don't even think he understands exactly what "no" means. I do. And it sucks.
I loved these early months of not saying "no" to anything. My whole goal was to let Will explore his surroundings...nothing was off limits. Sure, put that in your mouth. Yes, you can touch that. What does it feel like?
All of a sudden, he can get into things that are bad for him and I have to lay down the law.
I guess this is parenting. A struggle between your love for your kid that desires for them to have fun and enjoy life, and your love for your kid that desires for them to stay alive and in one piece. And not only that, but to become a person who is of good character.
I don't want to always be saying "no." I have to be conscious in the future of making sure that I say "yes" enough that Will experiences life. But I have to be willing to say "no." And mean it.
I'm just scratching the surface of this whole parenting thing. I'm going to need a LOT of help. If I struggle with saying "no" I'm going to struggle with a lot worse things. Yikes. God help me!
I loved these early months of not saying "no" to anything. My whole goal was to let Will explore his surroundings...nothing was off limits. Sure, put that in your mouth. Yes, you can touch that. What does it feel like?
All of a sudden, he can get into things that are bad for him and I have to lay down the law.
I guess this is parenting. A struggle between your love for your kid that desires for them to have fun and enjoy life, and your love for your kid that desires for them to stay alive and in one piece. And not only that, but to become a person who is of good character.
I don't want to always be saying "no." I have to be conscious in the future of making sure that I say "yes" enough that Will experiences life. But I have to be willing to say "no." And mean it.
I'm just scratching the surface of this whole parenting thing. I'm going to need a LOT of help. If I struggle with saying "no" I'm going to struggle with a lot worse things. Yikes. God help me!
5.03.2012
The Dinner Dilemma
One of the things that is really important to me and Alex is making healthy, homemade meals through the week. This is important for financial and health reasons...and it ended up being an important factor in our decision for me to stay home.
When I was working, though, getting dinner on the table at night was even more difficult than it is now! I dreaded that time of the week when I asked, "So...what do you want for dinner this week?" I hated trying to come up with ideas out of thin air. I hated the time I was spending on just planning to get to the store. And if I didn't plan well, I ended up going to the grocery store several times in one week.
Not acceptable.
I finally settled on a system that my mom suggested: I started to map out game plans for 4 weeks of meals (now I have six). I went with recipes I knew were fast, healthy...and recipes that both Alex and I really liked. With our picky-eater syndrome, this meant no cheese, no cream sauces, no vegetarian meals, and no red meat. It took a little while, but I came up with menus and now I just rotate them around each week. I only wrote out 5 per week, leaving one day for going out somewhere, and one day for making something new or different or special (special in my book was anything that required a special trip to the store!). Done. No thinking, planning, guessing. One trip to the store every week and that is it.
I'm not completely set on this schedule or anything. When I get a new idea, I certainly try it out and modify a menu. Obviously things come up that change our schedule. I don't even stick to it each week. The point is that for me, a weekly meal planner saves time, money, and stress. On those weeks when I'm not feeling inspired, when dinners seem like a chore, at least I can pull out my meal planner and I know I can make it happen.
I'll share my menus...but this is just an idea. Everyone has to find a system that fits with their own personality, family preferences, schedule, etc. It's tough, but it's worth it! Good luck!
When I was working, though, getting dinner on the table at night was even more difficult than it is now! I dreaded that time of the week when I asked, "So...what do you want for dinner this week?" I hated trying to come up with ideas out of thin air. I hated the time I was spending on just planning to get to the store. And if I didn't plan well, I ended up going to the grocery store several times in one week.
Not acceptable.
I finally settled on a system that my mom suggested: I started to map out game plans for 4 weeks of meals (now I have six). I went with recipes I knew were fast, healthy...and recipes that both Alex and I really liked. With our picky-eater syndrome, this meant no cheese, no cream sauces, no vegetarian meals, and no red meat. It took a little while, but I came up with menus and now I just rotate them around each week. I only wrote out 5 per week, leaving one day for going out somewhere, and one day for making something new or different or special (special in my book was anything that required a special trip to the store!). Done. No thinking, planning, guessing. One trip to the store every week and that is it.
I'm not completely set on this schedule or anything. When I get a new idea, I certainly try it out and modify a menu. Obviously things come up that change our schedule. I don't even stick to it each week. The point is that for me, a weekly meal planner saves time, money, and stress. On those weeks when I'm not feeling inspired, when dinners seem like a chore, at least I can pull out my meal planner and I know I can make it happen.
I'll share my menus...but this is just an idea. Everyone has to find a system that fits with their own personality, family preferences, schedule, etc. It's tough, but it's worth it! Good luck!
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