Recently my son was diagnosed with hearing loss, and fluid in his ears. The doctor is hopeful we can correct it with tubes, but there is a small chance he will have permanent damage to his ears depending on how long the fluid has been sitting there (which is anyone's guess...long story).
Chances are this is a total non-issue and he will wake up from tube surgery hearing normally again. I know of a lot of children who are going through serious stuff, life-threatening stuff. I realize this is such a small deal that many of you are rolling your eyes right now. But the emotions involved with learning that your child is struggling--in any way--are real, and intense. As I've processed this I've learned a few things I wanted to share, mostly as reminders to myself, because even if this turns out to be nothing, I know how life works. Eventually my kids will all hit bumpy patches and my mama heart will want to jump in there and fix it. So future Sarah, listen up.
First of all, we can't shield our kids from bad things happening. That's just life. They'll fail tests and hear hurtful comments. They'll be left out. They will find there are things they just aren't good at. This is life. Our job as parents isn't to pretend like these things don't exist or to keep our kids in a bubble so they don't have to feel any negative emotions. Our job is to help them navigate these feelings. Easier said than done. And with my boys who don't talk to me? Sounds impossible. Ugh. But I can model. I can teach them how to pray and bring their negative emotions before the Lord and entrust them there. When I do know what's going on, I can help them love those who hurt them and I can help them study for next time. I can remind them of how they are fearfully and wonderfully made and point out their strengths and skills.
And there's another important truth. Nothing will happen to our kids (or to us...but that's a whole other post) that God doesn't allow out of His immense love for us. Seems confusing sometimes but the truth is that God is writing our kids' stories. He is the divine author with the whole picture in mind. He knows the number of hairs on their heads and their number of days on this planet. He can be trusted. And he will use all of the hurts and pains and struggles to mold them and shape them into the little humans he wants them to be.
So if my son ends up with a hearing aid (seriously...the worst case scenario here is so not a big deal! I get that!), guess what? God has a plan. He will make it beautiful. Maybe he will have greater compassion for people who are different or disabled? Maybe he will learn sign language...and that skill could lead him to any number of cool experiences! I don't know. I don't know what his life will hold. But I can't live it for him. And I can't hold on to fear or guilt. I can only trust him in the mighty arms of the One who entrusted him to us, and who loves him more than we ever could.
2.19.2014
No More Hurry Up
I am tired of trying to rush Will out the door and into bed and into the bathtub and through with breakfast. I am tired of saying "hurry up." I'm done. Because it's not his fault that we're running late...it's mine. So I'm going to be a better time manager so that I don't have to be rushing, and we can enjoy even the mundane days of life.
When do we learn that we have to always be "hurrying up" anyway? Why don't we slow down and take our time. Sometimes it's those little moments when Will is walking (slowly) up the stairs or walking (slowly) through the parking lot that are meaningful. He is noticing and thinking and sharing, and I'm missing it. I'm missing the opportunity to have conversations about the world around him. I'm making him feel like he's disappointing me, while he's the one who's got it right. I'm worried about being late and focusing on the future, while he is totally present in the now.
I don't need to be hurrying up. It's my fault. I'm the adult. I can create change.
When do we learn that we have to always be "hurrying up" anyway? Why don't we slow down and take our time. Sometimes it's those little moments when Will is walking (slowly) up the stairs or walking (slowly) through the parking lot that are meaningful. He is noticing and thinking and sharing, and I'm missing it. I'm missing the opportunity to have conversations about the world around him. I'm making him feel like he's disappointing me, while he's the one who's got it right. I'm worried about being late and focusing on the future, while he is totally present in the now.
I don't need to be hurrying up. It's my fault. I'm the adult. I can create change.
12.31.2013
Training Pays Off!
I am often reminding myself that disciplining a toddler is really just training him in how he should go. Rather than consequences for bad behavior all the time, it seems that it's really more about enforcing correct behavior so that he learns the proper way to act. So, when I ask him to clean up the toys and he doesn't, he probably doesn't need a spanking. He needs me to make sure he does clean up before he does anything else, showing him that he is expected to obey. I can't expect complete compliance all the time. He's 2 and this is new territory. I am setting boundaries and he is testing them. It's a dance.... I am trying to be consistent and teach him what the expectations are.
I say the same lines over and over and over again, as calmly as I can:
"When Mommy says to come here, Will, you come right away."
"You obey Mommy the first time and with a happy face."
"That's not how you ask for things. You say 'Mommy, may I please have ___?'"
And today. Finally. After uttering that last one probably hundreds of times, breakthrough.
I was nursing Ben on the couch while Will ate a snack at the table. All of a sudden I hear, "Mommy, may I please have a wet towel?"
Music to my ears. It paid off. It will be hundreds of more times before he asks like that consistently, but that was just enough encouragement to me to keep going. Keep calm. He will get it eventually. My job is to train him in the way he should go. I have to keep at it!
I say the same lines over and over and over again, as calmly as I can:
"When Mommy says to come here, Will, you come right away."
"You obey Mommy the first time and with a happy face."
"That's not how you ask for things. You say 'Mommy, may I please have ___?'"
And today. Finally. After uttering that last one probably hundreds of times, breakthrough.
I was nursing Ben on the couch while Will ate a snack at the table. All of a sudden I hear, "Mommy, may I please have a wet towel?"
Music to my ears. It paid off. It will be hundreds of more times before he asks like that consistently, but that was just enough encouragement to me to keep going. Keep calm. He will get it eventually. My job is to train him in the way he should go. I have to keep at it!
12.30.2013
To Blog...or Not To Blog?
I have not written anything here in a long time. Not since I got pregnant and tired. I decided I needed to spend nap time, well, napping...so that's what I did. I have struggled with whether or not I should continue writing. I want to. I have lots to say...lots to remember and record. I have a bad memory, so I like the idea of a lasting record of those melt-your-heart moments. On the other hand, I want to be fully present for those moments. For me, that requires being rested. And I require a lot of rest. I also want to make sure that I'm present for those moments and enjoying them, not just taking pictures so that I can post them later. I don't want to live my own life vicariously.
So, I think I'll continue as I can, when I can. This blog is really just for me. A place to ponder, reflect, process, improve. A place to challenge myself to get better and to look for encouragement when I stink. I want to be honest and let other moms know that they aren't alone in their fears and failures.
Motherhood is tough. And a little lonely. Writing, letting other people into my world, makes me feel like I'm not alone, too.
So, I think I'll continue as I can, when I can. This blog is really just for me. A place to ponder, reflect, process, improve. A place to challenge myself to get better and to look for encouragement when I stink. I want to be honest and let other moms know that they aren't alone in their fears and failures.
Motherhood is tough. And a little lonely. Writing, letting other people into my world, makes me feel like I'm not alone, too.
2.12.2013
More Than You Can Bear
There is a saying that "God will never give you more than you can bear." I have even heard this saying attributed to the Bible itself! In actuality, this is not from the Bible, nor is it even biblically correct, in my opinion.
What is in the Bible is that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). Sometimes we are in situations that overtake us. Sometimes we are pushed to our limits. Sometimes we hit "rock bottom" and feel completely helpless. In my life, I have seen God show up in just those moments. He gives me more than I can bear on my own, so that I learn to rely on Him and His strength. Without Him I am nothing. With Him, I can do and I can bear all things.
What is in the Bible is that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13). Sometimes we are in situations that overtake us. Sometimes we are pushed to our limits. Sometimes we hit "rock bottom" and feel completely helpless. In my life, I have seen God show up in just those moments. He gives me more than I can bear on my own, so that I learn to rely on Him and His strength. Without Him I am nothing. With Him, I can do and I can bear all things.
1.28.2013
17 Months
Picky, picky eater. Pretty much on a graham-cracker and Cheerios diet. Maybe some yogurt sometimes. Thank God for baby food pouches!
Spent a week with Mommy in Dayton visiting Mimi and Papa ("Bibi" and "Baba") and Uncle Steve ("Tee").
New words: Feet, Mama ("Baba")
Often chats by himself, going on long rants including the sound "Buh-tee."
New favorite toy: Fisher Price golf club set.
Loves dancing to music.
Loves crawling on Bella's bed and lying down with her.
Spent Christmas with Hoffer cousins and JJ.
Fascinated by the Christmas "tee" and a couple light up ornaments.
Still attached to his blankie!
Spent a week with Mommy in Dayton visiting Mimi and Papa ("Bibi" and "Baba") and Uncle Steve ("Tee").
New words: Feet, Mama ("Baba")
Often chats by himself, going on long rants including the sound "Buh-tee."
New favorite toy: Fisher Price golf club set.
Loves dancing to music.
Loves crawling on Bella's bed and lying down with her.
Spent Christmas with Hoffer cousins and JJ.
Fascinated by the Christmas "tee" and a couple light up ornaments.
Still attached to his blankie!
1.07.2013
16 Months
Instead of saying "Daddy," Will just says "D."
Knows all the basic body parts
Loves to dance to music
LOVES balls. Loves to try to carry a bunch at once and take them everywhere he goes.
Throws a lot of balls, often under the side table so we have to go retrieve them, but doesn't quite understand the concept of catching them.
Loves being outside and often goes to the laundry room, points to his coat and shoes...and then the door outside. Doesn't matter how cold it is either.
Sees himself in a mirror and says immediately: "Baby!"
Brushes his own teeth.
Makes animal noises for dogs, snakes, elephants, cows, and tigers.
Knows all the basic body parts
Loves to dance to music
LOVES balls. Loves to try to carry a bunch at once and take them everywhere he goes.
Throws a lot of balls, often under the side table so we have to go retrieve them, but doesn't quite understand the concept of catching them.
Loves being outside and often goes to the laundry room, points to his coat and shoes...and then the door outside. Doesn't matter how cold it is either.
Sees himself in a mirror and says immediately: "Baby!"
Brushes his own teeth.
Makes animal noises for dogs, snakes, elephants, cows, and tigers.
Meaning of Marriage (Keller) Discussion Guide
Recently our community group read and discussed The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. It was an excellent read! I created discussion questions as we went along because there was no guide included with the book. I would strongly recommend other community groups, Bible studies, and individuals, married or single, to read this book. It is challenging and encouraging to get a glimpse of what marriage can be.
The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller
Small Group Discussion Guide
Chapter 1: The Secret of
Marriage
Ice Breaker: How does
our current culture view marriage?
Where do these ideas come from?
Discussion Questions:
- How is marriage beneficial for individuals and society as a whole?
- Why is it problematic to have an overly-idealistic view of marriage? Why is it also problematic to have an overly-pessimistic one?
- What does Keller mean when he says that “no two people are compatible”? Why is this true?
- What is the difference between believing marriage is about us and believing that marriage is about me? How would these beliefs affect one’s behaviors within a relationship?
- Keller says that the “mystery” or “secret” of marriage which Paul mentions in Ephesians 5 is found in the gospel itself. How is this true? How does a deep understanding and acceptance of the gospel help us overcome problems with our marriages and with ourselves?
Homework:
- This week, spend some time praying and meditating on the gospel message. Acknowledge yourself as a sinner before God, and then accept His love and forgiveness. This is the first step to being able to fully love your spouse and live out God’s purpose for marriage.
- Write down your personal view of marriage. Why did you get married, or why do you want to get married? What do you see as its purpose? (You can review and revise this after chapter four.)
Chapter 2: The Power for
Marriage
Ice Breaker: How have
you seen the power of the Holy Spirit in your own life to help you face
challenges or solve problems?
Discussion
Questions:
- Commenting on Ephesians 5:21, Keller writes: “Only if you have learned to serve others by the power of the Holy Spirit will you have the power to face the challenges of marriage.” Why is mutual service/submission so crucial for a thriving relationship?
- What does it mean to be filled with the Spirit? Why is this “filledness” so vital for a thriving marriage? How can we become more Spirit-filled?
- “You only discover your own happiness after each of you has put the happiness of your spouse ahead of your own.” This statement seems so counterintuitive, and certainly countercultural. Why does this work? How has this principle proven true in your own relationships?
- Knowing that we were created in God’s image, how do we experience true happiness and fulfillment?
- What is the “fear of the Lord” and how does it help us in our pursuit of strong relationships? How do we grow in our fear of the Lord?
Homework:
1.
Think of a specific
conflict in your marriage or another relationship that would be resolved if you
admitted that your own selfishness was the biggest problem? Share this admission with that person
and work toward resolution together.
Chapter 3: The Essence of
Marriage
Ice Breaker: What is
our culture’s definition of love?
How is this view similar and different from the Biblical definition?
Discussion Questions:
- How do love as feeling and love as action go hand in hand in a Biblical marriage? What are the dangers of defining love as only a feeling or only an action?
- What does “covenant” mean? How does this definition affect our view of the marriage covenant? How does the parent-child relationship further illustrate covenantal love?
- Contrary to cultural ideas that marriage “stifles freedom and kills desire,” how does the legal bond of marriage actually produce freedom in a relationship?
- Why is a marriage of “time and will” is so much richer and more fulfilling that a short-term passionate romance?
- How can we fulfill God’s command to love one another when we don’t feel particularly loving toward our spouse?
Homework:
- This week, find a couple of specific ways to act loving toward someone in your life whom you may not particularly like at the moment. Pay attention to how actions of love change your feelings toward that person.
Chapter 4: The Mission of
Marriage
Ice Breaker: What are
some qualities that define your best friendships?
Discussion Questions:
- What qualities of friendship (or spiritual friendship) should exist in a marriage? How can these traits be achieved?
- What is the Biblical mission for marriage? What characterizes marriages that embrace this mission?
- What should we look for in a potential spouse that would make him/her a compatible partner?
- How should we handle our spouse’s faults and imperfections?
- Why is it necessary that our spouse be our first priority? What might be some red flags that something has become a “pseudo-spouse” in our lives?
Homework:
1. Go back and review your view of the meaning and purpose of marriage from chapter one. With your spouse, clarify the mission for your marriage in your own words, but ensuring that it is Biblically sound.
- How do you want your spouse to handle confronting your faults? (Example: I want my spouse to give specific examples of what I did that was wrong.) Share your “rules” with your spouse and give him/her permission, even invitation, to confront you when necessary in order to help you grow more like Christ. Then, set up a time to confront each other about something small. Practice the techniques your spouse gave you and ask for feedback about how it went. This will probably be uncomfortable for some personalities, but that’s not an excuse to shy away from this essential part of marriage. Then, figure out times when you will continue to have these types of discussions going forward.
Chapter 5: Loving the
Stranger
Ice Breaker: How can
you tell when a couple is in the early “honeymoon” or “puppy love” phase of
their relationship?
Discussion Questions:
- Why is it so important for spouses to embrace the “power of truth” and confront one another’s flaws? How is this often-uncomfortable process actually beneficial and liberating for us?
- What should our attitude be when we notice our spouse’s faults and imperfections and feel disillusioned or begin to desire “someone better”?
- How can spouses use the “power of love” to harm one another?
- Keller reminds us that truth and love must be intertwined in our interactions with our spouse. Why? What is problematic about speaking truth without love? What is problematic with giving love and affirmation without truth?
- Why is the “power of grace” so crucial for marriages to fulfill their Biblical mission? How can we become more grace-filled and forgiving people?
Homework:
- Keller claims that showing love is a skill, and recognizing the “languages” through which we give and receive love can help us learn how to show love effectively to our spouses. What are your “love languages”? How do you feel loved? How do you show love?
- Share these insights with your partner, then brainstorm ways you can speak your partner’s love language. Practice it this week.
Chapter 6: Embracing the Other
Ice Breaker: What are
the stereotypical roles for men and women in marriage? Where do these ideas come from?
Discussion Questions:
- What does “submission” mean? How does Jesus’ example help us understand the woman’s role in marriage? In what specific ways did Jesus submit?
- What does “headship” mean? How does Jesus’ example help us understand the man’s role in marriage? In what specific ways did Jesus demonstrate leadership?
- How can these roles be distorted and become sinful?
- In this chapter, Kathy writes: “We have found that in submitting to our own divinely assigned gender roles that we have discovered one of God’s great gifts for getting in touch with our deepest selves as well as entering into the Great Dance of the universe.” How is this true? In what ways are gender roles a “gift” intended for our own good?
- Why doesn’t the Bible get more specific about duties of the husband and wife?
Homework:
- Read the Appendix on decision making and gender roles.
- Kathy points out that embracing your God-given role too heavily or choosing to dismiss your role are both sin. Write down 2-3 specific ways in which you and your spouse are currently embracing your roles as submitter/leader in your relationship. Then, think of a couple specific ways you can each embrace your role in a more Biblical way. Discuss with your spouse.
Chapter 7: Singleness and Marriage
Ice Breaker: What
was one of your most memorable dates?
Discussion Questions:
- What does Keller mean when he talks about living in the “overlap of the ages”? How does this truth help us properly view the role of marriage and family in our lives?
- Why does Christianity affirm the goodness of singleness when so many ancient religions--and even our current culture—seem to view singleness negatively?
- Why does the Bible instruct Christians to marry other believers?
- What does Keller mean by “comprehensive attraction”? Why are these qualities better marriage criteria than things like money and good looks?
- Keller claims that “Christian marriage should be communal.” What does this mean? What are the benefits of such an approach?
- Based on your own experiences and observations, have you seen Keller’s rules of dating proven true? What dating rules do you want to live by, and/or impress upon your children or single members of your church community for whom you are an example?
Homework:
- Set aside a quiet time this week to confess to the Lord the sins you have committed as a single person. Whether you are now single or married, repent from your sins and allow God’s forgiveness to release you from any guilt you may carry.
Chapter 8: Sex and
Marriage
Ice Breaker: What
lessons do popular media (movies, books, TV) teach about sex?
Discussion Questions:
- What is the Biblical view of the purpose and meaning of sex? How does the Biblical perspective differ from popular cultural views?
- What is the significance of the verse “the two shall become one flesh”? How does sex contribute to this unique covenantal union?
- Why does the Bible insist on sex only between a married man and woman?
- In what ways is our church serving singles? What could we do to enhance that ministry?
- How can we overcome sexual temptation? (Note: Keller talks about avoiding sexual temptation for singles, but married people can employ the same tactics to avoid temptation toward adultery or other types of sexual immorality.)
- How can a couple’s sex life reveal deeper problems in the marriage?
- Why does Keller say that sex is “glorious”?
Homework:
- Write out the Biblical truths about sex that you will commit to live by (even, and especially, when temptation strikes!). Talk with your partner about how you will guard yourselves against sexual immorality.
- If you are married, talk with your spouse about your sex life. Begin or continue an open dialogue on this important issue.
11.17.2012
15 Months
Loves, loves balls and Bella
New words: Daddy, doggy, sock, shoes, juice, choo-choo
Animal noises: Elephant, tiger, snake,
Loves shoes...because it means we're going outside which he likes even more.
Stands at the back door and looks for doggies
Loves animal crackers
Running now!
Favorite toys: flashlights, and his water table full of dry penne noodles
Has begun grabbing adults by the hand and leading us where he wants to go.
New words: Daddy, doggy, sock, shoes, juice, choo-choo
Animal noises: Elephant, tiger, snake,
Loves shoes...because it means we're going outside which he likes even more.
Stands at the back door and looks for doggies
Loves animal crackers
Running now!
Favorite toys: flashlights, and his water table full of dry penne noodles
Has begun grabbing adults by the hand and leading us where he wants to go.
10.17.2012
14 months!
At 14 months, Will has one molar and 3 more on the way.
He is walking...all over, all by himself. He really doesn't crawl any more.
He loves his giant giraffe book.
We took our first trip to Brookfield Zoo!
He started library story time.
He got to play in the leaves for the first time and visit his first pumpkin farm (didn't like it).
He is into everything...every drawer and cabinet.
He loves to dance with his musical toys.
He says bottle, Bella, blanket, ball, and dog.
He is getting to be a picky eater, but still loves dried peas, cheese, and yogurt bites.
He is walking...all over, all by himself. He really doesn't crawl any more.
He loves his giant giraffe book.
We took our first trip to Brookfield Zoo!
He started library story time.
He got to play in the leaves for the first time and visit his first pumpkin farm (didn't like it).
He is into everything...every drawer and cabinet.
He loves to dance with his musical toys.
He says bottle, Bella, blanket, ball, and dog.
He is getting to be a picky eater, but still loves dried peas, cheese, and yogurt bites.
10.13.2012
Photo Book
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Photo Book
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9.17.2012
My Separation Anxiety
Will, my dear Will, is dealing with some major separation anxiety. We started weaning just as I joined a new gym with childcare where I'm taking him twice a week. Somehow the combination wasn't good and sparked this incredible attachment to me.
Let me give you the idea.
I carry him into the grocery store and he begins to cry and cling to me for dear life, afraid I'm going to leave him there.
I leave the room for a second at home to go to the bathroom and he screams bloody murder.
Alex takes him downstairs to play while I make dinner and he cries the whole time.
Ugh.
And this was the state in which we left him with my parents for 48 hours while we went away to Wisconsin. Much to everyone's surprise, Will did great! According to his grandparents' report, he was in a great mood, slept and ate well, and did not cry.
Of course I was happy to hear this. Of course I want him to be able to cope without me. Of course I want the freedom to get away and do my own thing every once in a while. But there is a part of me that is sad, too. I sort of wanted him to act a little more excited to see us when we got him. I sort of like the little hands pulling at my pantlegs and the little legs wrapped like a monkey around my waist. If I'm honest, even though it kills me every time, I even sort of like hearing him cry when I drop him off in the nursery. Not because I like hearing him upset, but I like being loved, knowing he wants to be with me.
This weaning is becoming a bigger deal for me than I would like to admit. I'm reluctant to give up nursing, but for many reasons I will not go into here, I know it is time. I will be sad no matter when it happens...and sooner or later, that day must come.
Our neighbor-babysitter went to college a month ago yesterday. I ran into her mother who reported that Rachel is doing well, studying hard, making friends, having a great time. Such a great time that she doesn't want to come home! She smiled and said she was so happy for her...all she wanted was for her daughter to one day thrive in college, spread her wings, be independent. Then all of a sudden, she got all choked up and started crying. The truth came out as she whispered, "I just feel like my heart has been torn out of my chest."
Oh, man. All of a sudden, I lost it, too. And there we are blubbering on the driveway, dealing each in our own way with that ever-present tension of parenthood. We want our kids to go off on their own, we know that's our job after all, but we just want them to always come running home with a hug and a kiss and an "I missed you, Mom." Motherhood is, as the saying goes, walking around with your heart outside your body. I think mothers always feel a little funny until everyone is back safe in the nest.
Pastor Andy Stanley says we are all created to care about our parents. He says we are all born with a giant bungee cord tied to us at one end and to our parents at the other. No matter how far we stretch the cord, there's always a pull toward home.
I like that. Maybe my job as a mom isn't to cut the strings and let Will one day fly free on his own wherever the wind may take him. I think really my job is just to slowly...and I mean sloooooooowly...lengthen the cord and let Will run a little further, and then a little further, on his own. Someday he'll be able to play in the basement alone, then go to school half day, full day, then go on sleepovers, then summer camp, then--gulp--college. My job is to lengthen the cord and give Will the skills and tools he needs to thrive without me.
The ugly truth is that my end of the cord is tied to my heart, and with each tug and pull, it is my heart that ends up bloody and torn. There is another truth: the truth that when he stretches the cord too far, there's only one place he'll end up. He'll be sprung right back home, right back into my arms, with a hug and a kiss and an "I missed you, Mom." And somehow that single moment heals everything.
Motherhood has already shown me unspeakable joy, and it has already exposed my heart to unbelievable pain. I guess all loving relationships that feed and delight our souls at their deepest level require vulnerability and risk. This is why we were designed to find our total fulfillment in God alone. Humans will always disappoint us, but God never will. Humans, even our own children, are ultimately out of our control, but never out of His. Every day on this earth, as I deepen my love for Alex and Will, I deepen my dependence on God.
So while Will is adjusting to whole milk and time away from me in a nursery, I'm adjusting, too. My little boy is growing up. Time to lengthen the cord. But just a little.
Let me give you the idea.
I carry him into the grocery store and he begins to cry and cling to me for dear life, afraid I'm going to leave him there.
I leave the room for a second at home to go to the bathroom and he screams bloody murder.
Alex takes him downstairs to play while I make dinner and he cries the whole time.
Ugh.
And this was the state in which we left him with my parents for 48 hours while we went away to Wisconsin. Much to everyone's surprise, Will did great! According to his grandparents' report, he was in a great mood, slept and ate well, and did not cry.
Of course I was happy to hear this. Of course I want him to be able to cope without me. Of course I want the freedom to get away and do my own thing every once in a while. But there is a part of me that is sad, too. I sort of wanted him to act a little more excited to see us when we got him. I sort of like the little hands pulling at my pantlegs and the little legs wrapped like a monkey around my waist. If I'm honest, even though it kills me every time, I even sort of like hearing him cry when I drop him off in the nursery. Not because I like hearing him upset, but I like being loved, knowing he wants to be with me.
This weaning is becoming a bigger deal for me than I would like to admit. I'm reluctant to give up nursing, but for many reasons I will not go into here, I know it is time. I will be sad no matter when it happens...and sooner or later, that day must come.
Our neighbor-babysitter went to college a month ago yesterday. I ran into her mother who reported that Rachel is doing well, studying hard, making friends, having a great time. Such a great time that she doesn't want to come home! She smiled and said she was so happy for her...all she wanted was for her daughter to one day thrive in college, spread her wings, be independent. Then all of a sudden, she got all choked up and started crying. The truth came out as she whispered, "I just feel like my heart has been torn out of my chest."
Oh, man. All of a sudden, I lost it, too. And there we are blubbering on the driveway, dealing each in our own way with that ever-present tension of parenthood. We want our kids to go off on their own, we know that's our job after all, but we just want them to always come running home with a hug and a kiss and an "I missed you, Mom." Motherhood is, as the saying goes, walking around with your heart outside your body. I think mothers always feel a little funny until everyone is back safe in the nest.
Pastor Andy Stanley says we are all created to care about our parents. He says we are all born with a giant bungee cord tied to us at one end and to our parents at the other. No matter how far we stretch the cord, there's always a pull toward home.
I like that. Maybe my job as a mom isn't to cut the strings and let Will one day fly free on his own wherever the wind may take him. I think really my job is just to slowly...and I mean sloooooooowly...lengthen the cord and let Will run a little further, and then a little further, on his own. Someday he'll be able to play in the basement alone, then go to school half day, full day, then go on sleepovers, then summer camp, then--gulp--college. My job is to lengthen the cord and give Will the skills and tools he needs to thrive without me.
The ugly truth is that my end of the cord is tied to my heart, and with each tug and pull, it is my heart that ends up bloody and torn. There is another truth: the truth that when he stretches the cord too far, there's only one place he'll end up. He'll be sprung right back home, right back into my arms, with a hug and a kiss and an "I missed you, Mom." And somehow that single moment heals everything.
Motherhood has already shown me unspeakable joy, and it has already exposed my heart to unbelievable pain. I guess all loving relationships that feed and delight our souls at their deepest level require vulnerability and risk. This is why we were designed to find our total fulfillment in God alone. Humans will always disappoint us, but God never will. Humans, even our own children, are ultimately out of our control, but never out of His. Every day on this earth, as I deepen my love for Alex and Will, I deepen my dependence on God.
So while Will is adjusting to whole milk and time away from me in a nursery, I'm adjusting, too. My little boy is growing up. Time to lengthen the cord. But just a little.
9.16.2012
13 months!
At 13 months, Will is walking all over with his walker or another push toy.
He started going to Fit 'N' Fun at Delnor Health and Wellness Center.
He took his first steps!
He can stand by himself.
He is attached to his green crocheted blanket.
He is always asking to go outside or play downstairs.
He loves bath time and playing in the water.
He loves to play with the Dustbuster and vacuum cleaner.
He got his first pair of shoes, suitable for walking!
He started going to Fit 'N' Fun at Delnor Health and Wellness Center.
He took his first steps!
He can stand by himself.
He is attached to his green crocheted blanket.
He is always asking to go outside or play downstairs.
He loves bath time and playing in the water.
He loves to play with the Dustbuster and vacuum cleaner.
He got his first pair of shoes, suitable for walking!
8.29.2012
12 Months
We did it! We made it through the first year. I feel a huge sense of relief. Now he can drink cow's milk and eat honey and sleep with a stuffed animal. Praise God for his blessings. I do not know why he chose to bless me with a healthy, joyful, energetic, smart boy...but I am so thankful he did. I do not deserve such grace. My heart is overflowing with thanksgiving.
Will is a little man now. Babbling away, busying himself with toys...working one to the next. His favorite remains the ball-popping dinosaur. And balls in general. Any size, any color. He loves the big beach ball I got for him. He also likes cars and things that move with wheels.
He also loves to be outside. He likes to ride in his wagon or in the bike trailer. He likes to take walks and go to the swings at the park. He loves the splash park and the pool, and even the little baby pool I set up for him in the backyard. He loves to play in the water!
To keep him entertained while I'm making dinner, all I need to do is open the cabinet where we store all the plastic stuff: leftover containers, water bottles, sippy cups. He will go to town in there. He likes to put the caps on and off of the cups and bottles, and he'll pull out the biggest container and push it around the floor like a car. And sometimes, he just wants to cling to my legs which I don't mind either.
He's eating most everything, but temperamentally. I cannot complain. It is funny to see his face when he eats something he doesn't care for. The disgust!
He isn't walking yet, but he's pulling himself up on everything and walking with a push-toy. I don't think it will be long before he's walking on his own.
He still loves Bella--he constantly hugs her and pets her. "Bella" is still his only real word. But Bella and I are old news as soon as Daddy comes home! He gives him a big hug and is always excited to wrestle or play football with Daddy on the living room floor.
It is such an amazing experience being a mom. Every day is an adventure. Every day is better than the one before. I am excited to know that I'm only on the beginning of this journey, and the best is yet to come!
Will is a little man now. Babbling away, busying himself with toys...working one to the next. His favorite remains the ball-popping dinosaur. And balls in general. Any size, any color. He loves the big beach ball I got for him. He also likes cars and things that move with wheels.
He also loves to be outside. He likes to ride in his wagon or in the bike trailer. He likes to take walks and go to the swings at the park. He loves the splash park and the pool, and even the little baby pool I set up for him in the backyard. He loves to play in the water!
To keep him entertained while I'm making dinner, all I need to do is open the cabinet where we store all the plastic stuff: leftover containers, water bottles, sippy cups. He will go to town in there. He likes to put the caps on and off of the cups and bottles, and he'll pull out the biggest container and push it around the floor like a car. And sometimes, he just wants to cling to my legs which I don't mind either.
He's eating most everything, but temperamentally. I cannot complain. It is funny to see his face when he eats something he doesn't care for. The disgust!
He isn't walking yet, but he's pulling himself up on everything and walking with a push-toy. I don't think it will be long before he's walking on his own.
He still loves Bella--he constantly hugs her and pets her. "Bella" is still his only real word. But Bella and I are old news as soon as Daddy comes home! He gives him a big hug and is always excited to wrestle or play football with Daddy on the living room floor.
It is such an amazing experience being a mom. Every day is an adventure. Every day is better than the one before. I am excited to know that I'm only on the beginning of this journey, and the best is yet to come!
Floor Time
The other day, I am down on my hands and knees in the family room looking all over for a little plastic ball missing from one of Will's toys. I'm climbing all over...getting frustrated. Then all of a sudden, Will comes crawling over to me, pulls on my shirt, hands me a toy, and starts laughing.
He thought I was on the floor to play with him.
I almost said, "No, honey, not right now, I'm busy looking for a ball." But I caught myself.
I realized the chance I had. I was on the floor, on his level, in his world. And he was excited to have me there! So we played.
I need to get on the floor more. Not just to mop it or clean up, but to play.
He thought I was on the floor to play with him.
I almost said, "No, honey, not right now, I'm busy looking for a ball." But I caught myself.
I realized the chance I had. I was on the floor, on his level, in his world. And he was excited to have me there! So we played.
I need to get on the floor more. Not just to mop it or clean up, but to play.
8.03.2012
What is Love?
What is love? Really?
Yesterday I was telling a friend about my birth experience with Will and I confessed that I didn't really love him right away. He seemed more like a stranger to me at first. The love came with time.
But that's not true. Loving feelings came over time. Loving feelings came when I saw Will smile at me and when I heard him laugh. Loving feelings exploded when Will began to love me back. But love, the truest form of love I have ever felt, came the moment I saw those two little pink lines.
At that moment, I chose to alter my life and my plans and my waistline for the benefit of someone I couldn't see or touch or hold. Someone who could not love me back.
When I cut back on caffeine, that was love.
When I endured a vicious cold with no medication, that was love.
When I gave up opportunities on our babymoon to go in a jacuzzi or go horseback riding, that was love.
When I sat uncomfortably on the floor for hours fighting with the assembly instructions for a pack-n-play, that was love.
When I endured back pain and nerve pain and labor pains, that was love.
When I comforted those newborn cries, that was love.
When I sat alone nursing in the middle of the night, crying silently with the pain, that was love.
All the love I've ever known for anyone grew over time. As Alex exhibited his godly character and engaged me in soulful conversation and showered me in compliments and kindness, I grew to love him. I loved him for who he was and for how he made me feel. But that wasn't true love. Not then.
We look for love deep in our souls. We look for it in those moments when our hearts skip a beat and when we feel the butterflies in our stomachs. But we're looking in the wrong places. Love is more than that.
I couldn't know true love until I became a parent. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I chose to sacrifice myself to meet this little stranger's needs, to give him the best of everything, knowing he could give me nothing in return.
I chose to love him.
I loved him not for who he was, but because he was. Because he was, he was worthy.
And that's love.
"And God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8
Yesterday I was telling a friend about my birth experience with Will and I confessed that I didn't really love him right away. He seemed more like a stranger to me at first. The love came with time.
But that's not true. Loving feelings came over time. Loving feelings came when I saw Will smile at me and when I heard him laugh. Loving feelings exploded when Will began to love me back. But love, the truest form of love I have ever felt, came the moment I saw those two little pink lines.
At that moment, I chose to alter my life and my plans and my waistline for the benefit of someone I couldn't see or touch or hold. Someone who could not love me back.
When I cut back on caffeine, that was love.
When I endured a vicious cold with no medication, that was love.
When I gave up opportunities on our babymoon to go in a jacuzzi or go horseback riding, that was love.
When I sat uncomfortably on the floor for hours fighting with the assembly instructions for a pack-n-play, that was love.
When I endured back pain and nerve pain and labor pains, that was love.
When I comforted those newborn cries, that was love.
When I sat alone nursing in the middle of the night, crying silently with the pain, that was love.
All the love I've ever known for anyone grew over time. As Alex exhibited his godly character and engaged me in soulful conversation and showered me in compliments and kindness, I grew to love him. I loved him for who he was and for how he made me feel. But that wasn't true love. Not then.
We look for love deep in our souls. We look for it in those moments when our hearts skip a beat and when we feel the butterflies in our stomachs. But we're looking in the wrong places. Love is more than that.
I couldn't know true love until I became a parent. From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I chose to sacrifice myself to meet this little stranger's needs, to give him the best of everything, knowing he could give me nothing in return.
I chose to love him.
I loved him not for who he was, but because he was. Because he was, he was worthy.
And that's love.
"And God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8
7.23.2012
Solids: Stage 4
Will is weaning himself away from nursing and from purees in favor of feeding himself. Why fight it? We are on to finger foods full force now!
So, in mapping out Will's food through the day, I think of these rules:
Fruits include:
So, in mapping out Will's food through the day, I think of these rules:
- Three meals a day, plus a snack if he misses that late-afternoon nursing time for whatever reason.
- Breakfast = Fruit & Grain
- Lunch = Fruit, Vegetable, & Protein
- Dinner = Meat, Fruit, & Vegetable
- I try to make sure the vegetables and fruits are different to ensure he's getting a variety of nutrients.
Fruits include:
- banana
- mango
- peach
- pear
- plum
- Clementines
- strawberries
- peeled grapes
- halved blueberries
- applesauce
- frozen peas
- frozen broccoli florets
- sweet potato
- potato
- green beans
- beets
- squash
- zucchini
- eggplant
- frozen corn kernels
- black beans
- cheese
- yogurt
- chicken
- ground turkey
- ground beef
- oatmeal
- brown rice
- brown rice cous cous
- pasta
Will's Best Friend
Bella is by far Will's best friend. It is so cute to watch their relationship developing from the early days to now....
 |
| Bella was protective of Will even before he was born. |
 | |
| As long as Bella got to sit with Daddy, too, she didn't mind if Will took the other arm. |
 |
| So cozy, curled up together. Will seemed to easily fit into Bella's lifestyle. |
 |
| Will started to notice Bella and she, well, tolerated him... |
 |
| ...until the ear pulling and the tail pulling and the skin & hair pulling...yikes. |
 |
| But then came the hugging. |
 |
| And the playing. |
 |
| And for the time being, they are pals. |
7.20.2012
Things I Learned About Being a Mom From Being a Teacher (Part 2)
{Part 2}
In addition to academic skills, there are life skills that parents need to develop in their children. Parents know they need to teach safety, hygiene, household chores, but there are other more nuanced skills that sometimes get lost. It's probably easier in the moment not to teach these skills and just take care of a situation ourselves instead. Guilty. But the students who possessed these traits were much more successful in school, personal relationships, and more prepared for the road ahead.
5. Parents should teach their kids to advocate for themselves.
On a couple occasions, I asked a student about something (like, "Do you have your essay to turn in today?" or "How about taking your make up quiz today during study hall?"), got a one-word answer (like, "no" or "fine"), and then an hour later, found a lengthy email in my in-box from the child's parent explaining the situation and asking for some kind of exception or extension to save their child from any kind of late penalty or bad quiz grade that they claimed the child was panicking about. This is a more extreme example to illustrate the point that many parents are enabling their children. Their kids do not address problems themselves, even when a teacher initiates a conversation and gives them an opportunity to discuss an issue. They do not know how to speak to adults in authority. They have never had to. They know that a quick text or call to mom or dad and like magic, poof! the situation is solved for them. The added trouble is that often certain details are lost in translation...because the student knows how to manipulate the parent and the teacher to get what they want. Not only is this usually sneaky, it is not a good long-term set up. There will be situations where students will have to explain themselves to a professor or ask for something from a boss. The only way they are prepared for this is with practice from the home training camp. Starting in middle school or junior high, parents should listen to their student's issue, ask lots of questions to make sure they know the whole story, then help the student come up with what to say to the teacher the next day in order to solve the problem. Maybe even engage in some role-play to help them practice. Of course if the student tries and the teacher truly seems unreasonable, then it's good for the student to know they have the parent as an ally to go to bat for them, but if they learn how to advocate for themselves, this skill will be invaluable in future relationships and work settings.
6. Parents should teach their kids online etiquette.
Kids today are internet "natives." They navigate the web and figure out devices with lightning speed while I'm still trying to figure out how to turn on my iPad. They will spend a lot of time online. But they're doing it largely without instruction, rules, or supervision. And if you think your parental controls are censoring the web sufficiently, I wouldn't be so sure. There are two big areas where kids need specific, direct instruction. One is email writing. When I was in school, I was taught how to write a business letter with a proper heading, salutation, etc. Now kids need to be taught how to write a business email. Shorthand in an email to a friend is fine, but I received many emails from students with no salutation, no punctuation, no capital letters, no signature (no kidding--I really did not know who these emails were from!). Another is online privacy--or lack thereof. Students at our school were about to riot when they learned that several students were being suspended for underage drinking based on evidence from Facebook photos that mysteriously ended up on the principal's desk. Kids don't realize that the web is a public space, that anything they post is out there, fair game, and viewable by parents, teachers, employers, friends, and enemies. Caution is suggested. Even privacy settings aren't a foolproof safeguard because you can't control what other people post about you. (This can be a great teaching moment to discuss the importance of integrity, too.)
7. Parents should give their kids opportunities to problem solve.
I already see this struggle. Poor Will is about to flip head over heels as he is reaching for a ball that rolled underneath a chair. I am sitting a foot away, watching, restraining myself even though I desperately want to reach over and get the darn thing for him. He might hurt himself, he might not be able to reach it after all, but I'm trying to give him the chance to problem solve. And after he contorted himself into a strange version of downward dog, he got the ball. It's not easy. And it only gets harder. But watching your child face a problem and not solving it for them yields self-confidence, healthy self-esteem, creativity, and a willingness to accept challenges--traits that most parents want to see their children possess. Frustration isn't a bad thing. Frustration is a sign that a child is trying something new...that a child is learning. Don't fight it. And if they fail, well, help them out, but let them know that you're proud of them for trying.
8. Parents should insist on honesty.
One of our classic family stories is about a time when I was three years old and I took three Oreo cookies out of an open package on the supermarket shelf. I must have known that this was not okay, because I stashed them in my pocket until we got to the car...and didn't realize that my mother had a rear-view mirror which allowed her to easily see the evidence all over my face. We drove home where she made me take out three nickels from my piggy bank (one nickel for each cookie) and then we drove back to the supermarket and I confessed to the manager and paid for the cookies I had stolen. My mom did not tolerate lying in any form. And let me tell you: I never shoplifted again. Honesty starts with little things. "White lies" seem to be acceptable in our culture. Many kids see their parents telling white lies when they tell a friend they aren't feeling well enough to get together and then go shopping instead. This translates to lying, stealing, and cheating. When I took polls, most of my students did not think cheating was wrong. This belief no doubt fuels some of the corruption we see in Washington and on Wall Street today. How to we change it? Parents model honesty and insist on honesty from their children.
I'm not a psychologist...and I'm still a rookie parent. I was a teacher for eight years and I took mental notes along the way.
In addition to academic skills, there are life skills that parents need to develop in their children. Parents know they need to teach safety, hygiene, household chores, but there are other more nuanced skills that sometimes get lost. It's probably easier in the moment not to teach these skills and just take care of a situation ourselves instead. Guilty. But the students who possessed these traits were much more successful in school, personal relationships, and more prepared for the road ahead.
5. Parents should teach their kids to advocate for themselves.
On a couple occasions, I asked a student about something (like, "Do you have your essay to turn in today?" or "How about taking your make up quiz today during study hall?"), got a one-word answer (like, "no" or "fine"), and then an hour later, found a lengthy email in my in-box from the child's parent explaining the situation and asking for some kind of exception or extension to save their child from any kind of late penalty or bad quiz grade that they claimed the child was panicking about. This is a more extreme example to illustrate the point that many parents are enabling their children. Their kids do not address problems themselves, even when a teacher initiates a conversation and gives them an opportunity to discuss an issue. They do not know how to speak to adults in authority. They have never had to. They know that a quick text or call to mom or dad and like magic, poof! the situation is solved for them. The added trouble is that often certain details are lost in translation...because the student knows how to manipulate the parent and the teacher to get what they want. Not only is this usually sneaky, it is not a good long-term set up. There will be situations where students will have to explain themselves to a professor or ask for something from a boss. The only way they are prepared for this is with practice from the home training camp. Starting in middle school or junior high, parents should listen to their student's issue, ask lots of questions to make sure they know the whole story, then help the student come up with what to say to the teacher the next day in order to solve the problem. Maybe even engage in some role-play to help them practice. Of course if the student tries and the teacher truly seems unreasonable, then it's good for the student to know they have the parent as an ally to go to bat for them, but if they learn how to advocate for themselves, this skill will be invaluable in future relationships and work settings.
6. Parents should teach their kids online etiquette.
Kids today are internet "natives." They navigate the web and figure out devices with lightning speed while I'm still trying to figure out how to turn on my iPad. They will spend a lot of time online. But they're doing it largely without instruction, rules, or supervision. And if you think your parental controls are censoring the web sufficiently, I wouldn't be so sure. There are two big areas where kids need specific, direct instruction. One is email writing. When I was in school, I was taught how to write a business letter with a proper heading, salutation, etc. Now kids need to be taught how to write a business email. Shorthand in an email to a friend is fine, but I received many emails from students with no salutation, no punctuation, no capital letters, no signature (no kidding--I really did not know who these emails were from!). Another is online privacy--or lack thereof. Students at our school were about to riot when they learned that several students were being suspended for underage drinking based on evidence from Facebook photos that mysteriously ended up on the principal's desk. Kids don't realize that the web is a public space, that anything they post is out there, fair game, and viewable by parents, teachers, employers, friends, and enemies. Caution is suggested. Even privacy settings aren't a foolproof safeguard because you can't control what other people post about you. (This can be a great teaching moment to discuss the importance of integrity, too.)
7. Parents should give their kids opportunities to problem solve.
I already see this struggle. Poor Will is about to flip head over heels as he is reaching for a ball that rolled underneath a chair. I am sitting a foot away, watching, restraining myself even though I desperately want to reach over and get the darn thing for him. He might hurt himself, he might not be able to reach it after all, but I'm trying to give him the chance to problem solve. And after he contorted himself into a strange version of downward dog, he got the ball. It's not easy. And it only gets harder. But watching your child face a problem and not solving it for them yields self-confidence, healthy self-esteem, creativity, and a willingness to accept challenges--traits that most parents want to see their children possess. Frustration isn't a bad thing. Frustration is a sign that a child is trying something new...that a child is learning. Don't fight it. And if they fail, well, help them out, but let them know that you're proud of them for trying.
8. Parents should insist on honesty.
One of our classic family stories is about a time when I was three years old and I took three Oreo cookies out of an open package on the supermarket shelf. I must have known that this was not okay, because I stashed them in my pocket until we got to the car...and didn't realize that my mother had a rear-view mirror which allowed her to easily see the evidence all over my face. We drove home where she made me take out three nickels from my piggy bank (one nickel for each cookie) and then we drove back to the supermarket and I confessed to the manager and paid for the cookies I had stolen. My mom did not tolerate lying in any form. And let me tell you: I never shoplifted again. Honesty starts with little things. "White lies" seem to be acceptable in our culture. Many kids see their parents telling white lies when they tell a friend they aren't feeling well enough to get together and then go shopping instead. This translates to lying, stealing, and cheating. When I took polls, most of my students did not think cheating was wrong. This belief no doubt fuels some of the corruption we see in Washington and on Wall Street today. How to we change it? Parents model honesty and insist on honesty from their children.
I'm not a psychologist...and I'm still a rookie parent. I was a teacher for eight years and I took mental notes along the way.
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