As a teacher, I got to play armchair quarterback for all of the families represented by the students who funneled in and out of my classroom each day. I had my own opinions of what should be happening at home, but I didn't have to man the front lines of daily struggles to get lunches made, clothes on, get out the door, keep track of children's after-school whereabouts, take care of sign ups and activity fees, help with homework, handle the joys of making the soccer team, and the disappointment of not getting into the dream college.
I get it. It's tough. A lot tougher than I realized before I became a mom myself.
Still, from my position on the sidelines, I witnessed the patterns. The similar struggles of child after child, year after year. And I have some ideas on what works and what doesn't. Here's what I know.
1. Parents should let their kids fail.
I know this must be agonizing for a parent. We want our kids to be successful at everything they do. We want them to get trophies and stickers. We don't want them to feel bad about themselves. But reality is that times will come when they will try something and they will fail. And that's okay. As parents, starting at an early age, we must combat the dominant cultural message that failure is bad and replace it with the message that failure is a learning opportunity that will make us better. I saw too many students who failed at something (and I don't mean that they failed English--I mean that they didn't do their homework and failed a 5-point reading quiz), and they threw in the towel and completely gave up and shut down. Or worse, lied or cheated to prevent failure. They believed that failure was ultimate. Failure was personal. Failure meant that they were bad students. Failure meant that they may as well not even try. Then there were other students. The ones who failed a reading quiz and looked me in the eye and said, "You know what? I was lazy last night and I didn't read. I deserve an 'F' on this quiz. I'll read tonight and be prepared for tomorrow." I admired these kids. They had been taught to admit to failure because failure happens. And they will learn from their mistakes and be successful going forward.
2. Parents should help their kids realize their unique talents and abilities.
Sometimes kids fail at something because it's just not what they were cut out to do. In seventh grade, my best friends went out for cheerleading and made the squad. I wanted desperately to join them. I was so jealous when they were together at practice and I was alone on the bus on my way home. But I couldn't even do a cartwheel. My mom hugged me while I cried and helped me think of things I was good at. She reminded me of some skits I had done at church and said I seemed to have natural acting ability. So, I tried out for the school play, made the cast, and that sparked a love of acting and many leading roles down the road. I felt successful and I felt significant because I found what I was wired to do. My friendships with my cheerleading friends waned, but that was okay because I found new friends, friends who were wired like me. Not every kid is talented in the same ways. Some are athletic, some are musical, some are scientific, some are artistic. Parents know their own kids better than anyone and should help them recognize their own strengths and talents. This will help them be able to admit their own weaknesses when they pop up without giving up on themselves or questioning their identity and self worth.
3. Parents should encourage their kids to do their best, but not allow them to feel pressure to be the best.
As I talked with my students, I found that they would often admit to putting pressure on themselves to be the best at everything. I think, though, that this pressure really comes from spoken or assumed parental expectations, and the child's deep-rooted desire to please them. Whether or not the pressure comes from parents, it can be alleviated by parents. Kids need to be reminded often that they are loved unconditionally, no matter what grades they get or what teams they make. They also need to be held accountable to do their best, but with realistic expectations. For example, a parent should not offer a lavish reward for a child getting an "A" in math when really, that subject is a huge struggle and a "C" would be representative of the child's best work. When an "A" is not achieved, the student feels bad about himself and feels that he has disappointed his parents. Help your child set reasonable, realistic, short-term goals and celebrate small successes along the way to show that you value hard work more than an end result.
4. Parents should teach kids how to prioritize their time.
The time will come when the demands of homework, a baseball game, Grandma's birthday party, piano practice, and the TV series finale everyone is talking about all collide on one sad and terrifying evening and a student realizes that what is required of them is simply humanly impossible in the time they have to work with. Depending on the child, the result is either a meltdown of mythic proportions or total shut down and hours spent simply surfing the internet until she falls asleep. This is a "teachable moment"--take advantage of it! Help the child write down everything they have to do and then prioritize the list. What must be done first, second, and what can wait until tomorrow. Weigh the consequences of something not getting completed--for example, will you lose more points for turning in math homework late, or your major quarter project? Making choices, prioritizing time, and accepting consequences is an important life skill (here also lies opportunities for lessons on why procrastinating doesn't work!). Left to their own devices, I have seen many students choose to spend hours working on a small-value homework assignment for history and fail to study for a big-point test, simply because they feel overwhelmed. Parents can help teach their kids how to make choices about how to spend their limited time.
There are also social skills that parents can impress upon their children. This is discussed in another post.
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