Ten Letters

I read these on iMom.com--great ideas!

We Have a Schedule! (Sleep Training Continued....)

We finally have a semblance of a schedule in place. 

At about 4 months, when Will started to resist naps in my arms or the swing, etc., and when I knew he was biologically ready to settle into a rhythm, I paid close attention to his sleepy signs.  When he got tired, I put him in his crib to sleep.  He would often cry--miserable. 

BUT, we're past that and he's sleeping great now!  I kept a sleep log and identified times of the day that Will most often fell asleep.  Then I also noted that more important than that, just about 2 hours after he woke up from a nap, he was fussy again.  Like clockwork. 

So, now we have some predictability and NO CRYING at nap time!  Or bedtime, for that matter.

7:00am: Wake up

9:00-10:30am: Nap #1

12:30-1:30pm: Nap #2

3:30-4:15pm: Nap #3

6:30pm: Bedtime routine begins (bath, pajamas, nursing)

7:30pm: Will falls asleep nursing and I take him up to his crib

This varies some, but most days, this is what I can plan on.  He is getting up once in the night, anywhere from 2-5, and going back to sleep after a feeding.

I really can't complain.  And I have Dr. Weissbluth to thank!!

Two Minutes

I got a new toothbrush.  A sonicare electric toothbrush.  The thing works really well, but part of its trick is that it forces you to brush for a full 2 minutes.  As soon as you turn the brush on, it vibrates for exactly 2 minutes before it turns itself off.

This is a great feature, but it annoys me!  Why?  Because those 2 minutes seem like an eternity.  Because those combine to be a total of 4 minutes of my day (2 minutes in the morning and 2 in the evening) when I can't do anything else besides brush my teeth.  It seems like such a waste of time.  I can't chew on the brush and make the bed, or separate the laundry, or clean up the counter.  I have to actually hold on to the brush and I have to do it for a full 2 minutes.

This should not annoy me.  I need to change my attitude.  Rather than cramming so much into my day, I need more minutes where I can just do one thing, and think.  Pray.  Be.  I need to embrace the time I have nursing and sometimes just be quiet.  Soak in the moment.  Recharge.  I do not have to be multitasking every minute of the day. 

See?  These are the lessons I learn when I take 2 minutes to do nothing but brush my teeth.  What else could I learn if I just slowed down?

My Favorite Time of Day

My favorite part of the day is singing to Will before nap times.  He usually gets 3 naps a day (we have finally settled in on a schedule!) and before each one, I strap him in the baby carrier, take him up to his nursery, bounce him a little, and sing.  He will often reach for my thumbs and wrap one little fist around each one.  After a couple songs, he'll lay his head on my chest and I will rest my cheek on the top of his head.  It is such a content, safe feeling.  I soak in his smell.  He hears my heartbeat.  I could hold him like that for hours.

But I have to put him down.  And then used to come the WORST part of the day: Listening to him scream as he resisted sleep!  But we're pretty much past that now, thank goodness.  I can enjoy the soothing rituals without fearing the tears.  

And so that's why it's my favorite time of day.

This photo is a little old now--my, how he has grown!

Do the right thing?

Twice now I have lived this scenario:

I go shopping with Will in the stroller.  I shove things to buy in the basket underneath, hang some things on the stroller handle, hold some things in my hands.  I pay and leave.


As I load Will into the car I notice there are items in the bottom of my stroller basket that I did not pay for.  Oops.  I am faced with a dilemma.

In both cases, the items totaled no more than $5.  In both cases it was cold (January in Chicago) and I have a baby who wants to get home and eat.  In both cases, of course, I'm parked far away from the store entrance.

In both cases I went back into the store and paid for the items.  I know that my behavior as a mom is setting an example for Will.  I also know that he is 5 months old and can't understand what's going on, but I want him to be a person who always does the right thing.  And so I must also be that person.  All the time.  Even now.  Little eyes are watching.

Marriage the Way It's Supposed to Be

Making the decision for me to stay home with Will was a pretty easy one.  Looking back, it's really nothing of our own doing, but God's choreography in our lives.

When we got married, Alex was looking for a job as a history teacher and I couldn't imagine NOT teaching English.  We imagined summers off with the kids while we each pursued our careers.

Four and a half years later, our lives are totally different than we envisioned them to be.  And it's all for the best!

Alex couldn't find a teaching job and ended up working at the family business.  He started doing basically data entry and was miserable for a while.  He thought about changing careers completely--going to seminary perhaps.  We thought about moving.  And we thought about kids.  I was starting to have a desire to have kids and stay home with them full time.  In our current state, we knew it wasn't possible financially to pull something like that off, and we knew it would be impossible if Alex decided to go to seminary, so we prayed and we waited.

Alex was soon promoted to "Business Account Manager" and with that promotion came a small raise and a whole new set of responsibilites.  Alex started to really enjoy his job and soon, aided by some solid teaching about a biblical view of work from a local business group, longings for seminary dissipated and he began to feel content and even inspired in his job. 

Meanwhile, my job was going badly.  Things in my district were really rough.  The superintendent had initiated policies I disagreed with.  My department head, whom I adored, left for another job.  The new department head, with little understanding of the district politics, implemented a new grading system without proper lead work and a firestorm of angry parents and students erupted making my job very difficult and antagonistic.

And THEN I got pregnant.

So, when the time came, the decision to stay home was an easy one.  Now it is even clearer that not only can we pull this off, but it is best for our family.

Since Will has been born, Alex has been promoted again, this time to Sales Manager.  His responsibilities have dramatically increased, including significantly more out-of-town overnights and late nights with customers or plant obligations. 

Last night, Alex affirmed that our decision was a wise one.  Because I am home, I am able to take care of things on the homefront (I actually call my new position "Director of Household Operations"!).  Because I'm not teaching, my stress level is so much lower that I have the capacity to be supportive and to balance Alex out as his stress is rising.  Alex still feels a bad leaving us for an overnight, even more so now that Will is here, but at least he feels less guilty about it knowing that Will has a stability at home.  And I am feeling so fulfilled and so blessed to be home full time!  I truly feel like I am doing what I was designed to do.

We've been thinking about marriage as we're reading Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage in our small group.  This is the way marriage is supposed to work.  It isn't how we imagined it would be, but we have changed and evolved, listened to each other, listened to our own hearts and desires, and we have tried to do what's best for each other.  As a result, Alex and I are helping each other be the best versions of ourselves.

Marriage can be tough and it requires intentionality, especially with a kiddo in the picture.  But when it's working right, it's a wonderful thing!

Separation Anxiety

I was watching Parenthood last week and had a visceral reaction watching Cristina and Adam prepare to send their daughter to college.  (Alex had a visceral reaction, too--how will we pay for all that?!?  But that's another post.)  My reaction was: Oh, I already dread the day that Will is going to go off to college!  I got really sad thinking about it.  Then I realized that all of parenting is preparing our kids--and US--for that moment.  Preparing them to be responsible adults.  My entire journey as a mom is going to be dealing with my own separation anxiety!  And it has already begun!

First he was born, and he could live and breathe without me.

Then he started to learn that he was an independent person--he wasn't just my appendage.

Soon he won't need me to feed him.

Then he won't need me to carry him places.

Then he won't need me to put him to sleep.

Then he will go to school and he won't need me home with him all the time.

Then he'll make his own friends.

Then he'll go to sleepovers and summer camp.

Then he'll go to parties with friends and he won't need me to drive him places.

Then he'll go to college.

And THEN, he'll pack up his room and he won't need to live here over summer vacation.

And one day after that, he'll be inviting me to visit him at his house, and he will be providing for me.  And the separation will be complete.

But he will always be my baby, and he will always be very close to me in my heart.

Lightning Round

A few weeks back, Alex and I had an "off" day.  We were cranky and just at each other a little bit for no good reason.  Finally, as we finished dinner and sat down to chat, Alex put an end to it.  He said we were going to enjoy this evening, darn it, and so we needed an attitude check.  We had to participate in a "lightning round" quickly naming 10 things we love about each other.  We took turns and listed qualities quickly, boom, boom, boom.  And at the end, we both did feel better.  And we did enjoy our evening!

I'm thankful for a husband who steps up and takes the lead in our marriage...and who won't let us settle for getting by.  We need to be great!

Am I Missing the Moments?

I've noticed a change in me.  When Will was first born, I was so in awe of everything.  Every little fingernail, every coo, every smile.  I wanted to soak up (and capture on the camcorder) every diaper change, every cuddle, every middle-of-the-night feed because I knew it would go by so fast.  And it did.

What has happened to that sense of wonder and awe?  Now I cuddle with Will and can't wait to put him down for a nap so that I can clean the kitchen or organize the basement storage space.  I turn my nose up at dirty diapers and want to get through changes as quickly as possible.  I let him play on the floor by himself while I prep for dinner.  I let him lie awake in his crib an extra minute so that I can finish shopping online.

I don't want to become this person.  I don't want to take him for granted.  I don't want to lose the sense of wonder.  I don't want to miss the moments.

I want to linger when I get him up out of his crib in the morning or change his diaper, and take advantage of those moments to talk with him and play with him and watch him smile and laugh.

I want to sing one more song before I put him down for a nap, and be fully present.  I don't want to be singing and thinking about what I'm going to do next, but really enjoying the moment with his head heavy on my chest.  I want to rest my cheek on the top of his head and just take in his smell. 

I want to take a little longer in the bathtub in order to let Will splash and play.

I want to take it all in.  It's a mindset more than anything.

And so when we took a walk last week, I pulled out the camera.  Just taking it all in....

Five Months

Will's fifth month of life was action packed!  He saw 3 of his great grandmothers, celebrated his first Christmas, took a road trip to Dayton, met lots of friends and family members, visited Papa's office, took his first walk in the stroller without the infant carrier, and saw his first snowfall.

He seems to have really changed this month.  I notice now that his limbs are becoming much more proportionate to his body.  He can reach the top of his head!  He has a little chub on his thighs that's usually protruding from his diaper.  His hair is starting to come in again.  His face is rounder...and so is his belly.  Sometimes I get him up from a nap and could swear he grew another inch while he was sleeping.  He's wearing almost all of his 6-month clothes now!

He's changed in other ways.  Or we've changed.  I feel like we get each other now, in a weird way.  He's much more of a companion to me during the day.  Even though he can't talk, I feel like I know what he's saying now...and I think now he's starting to understand me, too.  His behavior is more predictable, his demeanor is more consistently pleasant, and his movements are more intentional.  He can reach for something, pull on a toy, or push that same toy away if he doesn't want it.  I don't want to admit it, but he's already learning how to manipulate me!  My continuing attempts at getting him on a regular nap schedule are examples of that!

Holding him for any length of time is enough to know that  he wants to move!  He can't wait to be crawling around and standing up on his own.  For now, he scoots around just a little on his back on the floor, hr jumps in the Jumping Johnny, and he stands with support every chance he gets.  Grasping his fists around my thumbs, he can pull up to a sitting and standing position.

He has noticed his hands and they are fascinating to him!  He will stare at them, and then reach for anything in sight--Mama's fingers, Daddy's lower lip, Bella's ear (oops).  He still seems a little surprised that he was able to control that movement all by himself.  And everything goes into his mouth.  He's started sucking his thumb!  Which is pretty darn cute, really!

I'm enjoying him now more and more as I'm discovering his personality and witnessing his joy for life.  I'm so blessed!

The Family We Want To Be

Last night, Alex, Will, and I had dinner at the home of some new friends.  These are people a little older than we are--they have been married for 22 years.  Their kids are 20, 17, and 14.  They live in a beautiful home, much larger than ours. Alex and the husband have become friends through a group for businessmen held at our church.  I had never met any of the family members before.

Alex and I both left with the same impression: We want our family someday to be like theirs.  We want our home to feel like theirs. 

What was it that made us feel that way?  Well, when we walked in, they all greeted us at the door with huge smiles.  By "all," I mean all.  Both teenagers...and even the family dog.  They made us feel so welcome.  They insisted we keep our shoes on, even though they were covered with snow that would inevitably be traipsed over their gorgeous marble foyer.  They oo-ed and ah-ed over sleeping Will, and the mom called dibs on holding him as soon as he woke up. 

When we sat down for dinner, we were like part of the family.  They maintained their tradition of a family prayer ending in a sing-song child's verse--they admitted they had been saying that every night since the kids were small.  And the dad admitted soon after sitting down that he had Skyped that morning with the oldest daughter who just arrived in Spain for a semester abroad.  As soon as he mentioned that, the other three excitedly begged for every detail of the conversation.

As we ate dinner, the conversation was all about us.  They wanted to know our story...what makes us who we are.  They genuinely acted interested and enthralled.  When it came time for dessert, the daughter offered us the end of the peppermint ice cream pie (amazing!) and when I asked if she wanted the last piece instead, she said, "Oh no.  In our family, guests come first."  I taught high school for 8 years and never heard a kid say that!  The son came and offered us frozen chocolate-covered peanuts that are part of their Michigan traditions.  He gave us the background story and generously set the precious bowl right in between Alex and me. 

I was in awe of these kids who were teenagers who genuinely enjoyed being around their parents and their guests.  They all joked together.  The kids were interested in Will and never once left to go play a video game or work on homework.  They seemed to enjoy being a part of the evening with their parents' friends they had never met.  There was a pervasive sense of hospitality to guests and love, respect, and intimacy within the family.

So I'm left with the question: What do I do to make my family like that?  I think it starts with core values.  What are the things that we do in our family?  What marks who we are?  If we can focus on a vision, we can work to achieve it.  This is the time to define that vision--last night gave us a big head start.

White People Problems

On Saturday Night Live last week, Charles Barkley hosted a sketch called "White People Problems"--a spoof highlighting the "problems" of upper-class people in America.  One woman was upset because the cashier at Arby's couldn't tell her if their chicken was free range.  One couple was in a tizzy because they had offered their summer house to some friends and now they wanted to stay there, too--in one of the five bedrooms--but were afraid it would be "awkward."

I laughed at the sketch...but then before I knew it I was laughing at myself!  For days weeks I have been consumed by a bare corner in our family room.  I have had a small bookshelf there that has nicely balanced out the floor lamp opposite the other side of the fireplace.  Now, I'm going to have to move it (it's very unsteady AND full of toddler-unfriendly items) and replace it with some kind of aesthetically-pleasing toy storage.  True confessions: I have spent hours on the internet looking at bookshelves, benches, chests, storage units, and baskets, trying to figure out what to put there.  And it hit me: This is a dilemma that 99% of the world's population can't even comprehend.  Most people with a fireplace use it for functional food preparation.  Most people with toys are lucky to have them--they aren't concerned with whether or not they are out and disturbing the decor. 

How blessed am I that my problems are so benign in the big scheme of things.

"There but by the grace of God go I."

Things I Can't Say

There are things I feel I can't say...not without judgment or someone feeling like they have to sweep in and fix the situation. 

Things like: Sometimes I'm lonely.  

Things like: Sometimes I am frustrated and tired of feeling stuck in the house. 

Things like: I don't enjoy every minute of this stage of life. 

Things like: Sometimes I hear that Will is up from a nap, but I let him be for a few extra minutes just because I'm in the middle of something.

Things like: Sometimes I feel like I can't do this as well as I want to.  I can't "do it all"--and I don't even have that much on my plate, do I?

Things like: I just want to sleep in until noon.

Things like: I thought this would be easier.

Things like: Even as hard as this is, I still want a whole bunch of children. 

I'm not looking for answers, or fixes.  I'm anticipating the person who says (or thinks to himself), "If you're so unhappy, why don't you just go back to work?" or "If one is so hard, how can you want more?" 

The truth is that I'm not unhappy.  I'm just human.  And the truth is that it's not all about me.  I've made a decision based on what I think is in the best interest of my entire family...including me.  And I don't regret that decision for a minute.  Far from it!  We all have bad days.  We all have things about our jobs that we dislike.  I just haven't had the guts to say it.

I am so blessed to be able to stay home.  I don't want to complain.  But I want to be real.  I want to be heard.  I want to know I'm not alone.

Will Loves Bella! (Bella...not so sure...)

Sleep Training Continued...

Well, I was wrong.  It was not that easy.

I was putting Will down when he seemed tired to me, and he was only napping for 30 minutes at a time, twice a day...3 times IF I was lucky.  Unlucky days he would scream for an hour instead of taking a nap.

Then, the worst part: He started waking up twice in the night!  I would lie down, sleep for an hour, then he was up again!

What was I doing wrong?  He was going to bed early, I was putting him down when he was tired....  He was sleeping great until I started messing with his schedule!  Argh.

Back to "the book" (as in, "the book says any nap less than an hour doesn't count."  And "the book says the earlier he goes to bed, the longer he will sleep in the morning.")

The book also said that I needed to get the naps in order before the night sleep would hit a stride again.  And I needed to put him to bed DROWSY not TIRED.  Big difference.  So, I tried that, and met with greater success.  Much less crying and longer naps.

I don't always "catch the wave," but I am starting to pick up on Will's drowsy signals and I have confidence (most of the time) that I'll figure this out.  Someday.  Before he graduates from high school.  And by then, I'll be boggled by something else!  Welcome to parenting.