High Stakes

Alex and I watched "We Bought a Zoo" this weekend and it had me sobbing.  The story centers on Benjamin Mee who is grieving the recent loss of his wife while trying to find the strength to help his two young children cope as well.  He decides a move is necessary and they end up purchasing a non-operational zoo and working with its staff to bring it back to working condition.  It is a feel good movie about loss and redemption...so why was I crying?

There are these scenes where the Benjamin's grief is palpable.  Once he opens his iPhoto and begins to look at photos of his wife and recall memories of the family together.  Ugh.  And then you see the kids grieving, too.  The 7-year-old girl sleeps with her mom's old sweatshirt and in another scene, the 13-year-old boy clutches a framed picture of his mother and sobs. 

The movie got me. 

I used to have fear about either Alex or me dying and leaving the other behind.  I have worked this out a little bit.  If I let myself think about such a situation, I know that we could find someone else and we would eventually be okay.  Yes, it's horrible to think about, but a few years ago, I came to terms with the fact that if something happened to me, Alex would be okay.

But now things are different.  Now the stakes are higher.  Now there's Will.  And if something happened to me, I don't know if he would be okay.

It's a little bit easier to replace a spouse--someone you chose in the first place.  Someone you have experienced life without, and even if you can't imagine it that way again, you know in your heart you have done it and you can do it again.  Not mom.  Mom is someone you've always known.  Mom is someone you haven't ever lived without.  Mom is someone who cannot be replaced.

So that's why I sobbed when I saw little Dylan and Rosie in the movie trying to cope with their mother's death.

And that's why I have an internal struggle now to get to a point where I trust God enough to know that if something happened to me, Will would also be okay.

I don't want to live in fear.  I want to live in faith.  I want to trust in God's goodness.  I want to know that He is love.  I know in my head that God is sovereign and is in control...I want to believe it in my heart.