Meaning of Marriage (Keller) Discussion Guide

Recently our community group read and discussed The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller.  It was an excellent read!  I created discussion questions as we went along because there was no guide included with the book.  I would strongly recommend other community groups, Bible studies, and individuals, married or single, to read this book.  It is challenging and encouraging to get a glimpse of what marriage can be.


 

The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller

Small Group Discussion Guide

Chapter 1: The Secret of Marriage

Ice Breaker: How does our current culture view marriage?  Where do these ideas come from?

Discussion Questions:

1. How is marriage beneficial for individuals and society as a whole?
2. Why is it problematic to have an overly-idealistic view of marriage?  Why is it also problematic to have an overly-pessimistic one?
3. What does Keller mean when he says that “no two people are compatible”?  Why is this true?
4. What is the difference between believing marriage is about us and believing that marriage is about me?  How would these beliefs affect one’s behaviors within a relationship? 
5. Keller says that the “mystery” or “secret” of marriage which Paul mentions in Ephesians 5 is found in the gospel itself.  How is this true?  How does a deep understanding and acceptance of the gospel help us overcome problems with our marriages and with ourselves?

Homework:

1. This week, spend some time praying and meditating on the gospel message.  Acknowledge yourself as a sinner before God, and then accept His love and forgiveness.  This is the first step to being able to fully love your spouse and live out God’s purpose for marriage.
2. Write down your personal view of marriage.  Why did you get married, or why do you want to get married?  What do you see as its purpose?  (You can review and revise this after chapter four.)

Chapter 2: The Power for Marriage

Ice Breaker: How have you seen the power of the Holy Spirit in your own life to help you face challenges or solve problems?

Discussion Questions: 

1. Commenting on Ephesians 5:21, Keller writes: “Only if you have learned to serve others by the power of the Holy Spirit will you have the power to face the challenges of marriage.”  Why is mutual service/submission so crucial for a thriving relationship?
2. What does it mean to be filled with the Spirit?  Why is this “filledness” so vital for a thriving marriage?  How can we become more Spirit-filled?
3. “You only discover your own happiness after each of you has put the happiness of your spouse ahead of your own.”  This statement seems so counterintuitive, and certainly countercultural.  Why does this work?  How has this principle proven true in your own relationships?
4. Knowing that we were created in God’s image, how do we experience true happiness and fulfillment?
5. What is the “fear of the Lord” and how does it help us in our pursuit of strong relationships?  How do we grow in our fear of the Lord?

Homework:

1.    Think of a specific conflict in your marriage or another relationship that would be resolved if you admitted that your own selfishness was the biggest problem?  Share this admission with that person and work toward resolution together.

Chapter 3: The Essence of Marriage

Ice Breaker: What is our culture’s definition of love?  How is this view similar and different from the Biblical definition?

Discussion Questions:

1. How do love as feeling and love as action go hand in hand in a Biblical marriage?  What are the dangers of defining love as only a feeling or only an action?
2. What does “covenant” mean?  How does this definition affect our view of the marriage covenant?  How does the parent-child relationship further illustrate covenantal love?
3. Contrary to cultural ideas that marriage “stifles freedom and kills desire,” how does the legal bond of marriage actually produce freedom in a relationship?
4. Why is a marriage of “time and will” is so much richer and more fulfilling that a short-term passionate romance?
5. How can we fulfill God’s command to love one another when we don’t feel particularly loving toward our spouse? 

Homework:

1. This week, find a couple of specific ways to act loving toward someone in your life whom you may not particularly like at the moment.  Pay attention to how actions of love change your feelings toward that person.

Chapter 4: The Mission of Marriage

Ice Breaker: What are some qualities that define your best friendships?

Discussion Questions:

1. What qualities of friendship (or spiritual friendship) should exist in a marriage?  How can these traits be achieved?
2. What is the Biblical mission for marriage?  What characterizes marriages that embrace this mission?
3. What should we look for in a potential spouse that would make him/her a compatible partner?
4. How should we handle our spouse’s faults and imperfections?
5. Why is it necessary that our spouse be our first priority?  What might be some red flags that something has become a “pseudo-spouse” in our lives?

Homework:

1.    Go back and review your view of the meaning and purpose of marriage from chapter one. With your spouse, clarify the mission for your marriage in your own words, but ensuring that it is Biblically sound.

2. How do you want your spouse to handle confronting your faults?  (Example: I want my spouse to give specific examples of what I did that was wrong.)  Share your “rules” with your spouse and give him/her permission, even invitation, to confront you when necessary in order to help you grow more like Christ.  Then, set up a time to confront each other about something small.  Practice the techniques your spouse gave you and ask for feedback about how it went.  This will probably be uncomfortable for some personalities, but that’s not an excuse to shy away from this essential part of marriage.  Then, figure out times when you will continue to have these types of discussions going forward.

Chapter 5: Loving the Stranger

Ice Breaker: How can you tell when a couple is in the early “honeymoon” or “puppy love” phase of their relationship?

Discussion Questions:

1. Why is it so important for spouses to embrace the “power of truth” and confront one another’s flaws?  How is this often-uncomfortable process actually beneficial and liberating for us?
2. What should our attitude be when we notice our spouse’s faults and imperfections and feel disillusioned or begin to desire “someone better”? 
3. How can spouses use the “power of love” to harm one another?
4. Keller reminds us that truth and love must be intertwined in our interactions with our spouse.  Why?  What is problematic about speaking truth without love?  What is problematic with giving love and affirmation without truth?
5. Why is the “power of grace” so crucial for marriages to fulfill their Biblical mission?  How can we become more grace-filled and forgiving people?

Homework:

1. Keller claims that showing love is a skill, and recognizing the “languages” through which we give and receive love can help us learn how to show love effectively to our spouses.  What are your “love languages”?  How do you feel loved?  How do you show love? 
2. Share these insights with your partner, then brainstorm ways you can speak your partner’s love language.  Practice it this week.

Chapter 6: Embracing the Other

Ice Breaker: What are the stereotypical roles for men and women in marriage?  Where do these ideas come from?

Discussion Questions:

1. What does “submission” mean?  How does Jesus’ example help us understand the woman’s role in marriage?  In what specific ways did Jesus submit?
2. What does “headship” mean?  How does Jesus’ example help us understand the man’s role in marriage?  In what specific ways did Jesus demonstrate leadership?
3. How can these roles be distorted and become sinful? 
4. In this chapter, Kathy writes: “We have found that in submitting to our own divinely assigned gender roles that we have discovered one of God’s great gifts for getting in touch with our deepest selves as well as entering into the Great Dance of the universe.”  How is this true?  In what ways are gender roles a “gift” intended for our own good?
5. Why doesn’t the Bible get more specific about duties of the husband and wife?

Homework:

1. Read the Appendix on decision making and gender roles.
2. Kathy points out that embracing your God-given role too heavily or choosing to dismiss your role are both sin.  Write down 2-3 specific ways in which you and your spouse are currently embracing your roles as submitter/leader in your relationship.  Then, think of a couple specific ways you can each embrace your role in a more Biblical way. Discuss with your spouse.

Chapter 7: Singleness and Marriage

Ice Breaker: What was one of your most memorable dates?

Discussion Questions:

1. What does Keller mean when he talks about living in the “overlap of the ages”?  How does this truth help us properly view the role of marriage and family in our lives?
2. Why does Christianity affirm the goodness of singleness when so many ancient religions--and even our current culture—seem to view singleness negatively?
3. Why does the Bible instruct Christians to marry other believers?
4. What does Keller mean by “comprehensive attraction”?  Why are these qualities better marriage criteria than things like money and good looks?
5. Keller claims that “Christian marriage should be communal.”  What does this mean?  What are the benefits of such an approach?
6. Based on your own experiences and observations, have you seen Keller’s rules of dating proven true?  What dating rules do you want to live by, and/or impress upon your children or single members of your church community for whom you are an example?

Homework: 

1. Set aside a quiet time this week to confess to the Lord the sins you have committed as a single person.  Whether you are now single or married, repent from your sins and allow God’s forgiveness to release you from any guilt you may carry.

Chapter 8: Sex and Marriage

Ice Breaker: What lessons do popular media (movies, books, TV) teach about sex?

Discussion Questions:

1. What is the Biblical view of the purpose and meaning of sex?  How does the Biblical perspective differ from popular cultural views?
2. What is the significance of the verse “the two shall become one flesh”?  How does sex contribute to this unique covenantal union?
3. Why does the Bible insist on sex only between a married man and woman?
4. In what ways is our church serving singles?  What could we do to enhance that ministry?
5. How can we overcome sexual temptation?  (Note: Keller talks about avoiding sexual temptation for singles, but married people can employ the same tactics to avoid temptation toward adultery or other types of sexual immorality.)
6. How can a couple’s sex life reveal deeper problems in the marriage?
7. Why does Keller say that sex is “glorious”?

Homework:

1. Write out the Biblical truths about sex that you will commit to live by (even, and especially, when temptation strikes!).  Talk with your partner about how you will guard yourselves against sexual immorality.
2. If you are married, talk with your spouse about your sex life.  Begin or continue an open dialogue on this important issue.