When Bad Things Happen...to Our Kids

Recently my son was diagnosed with hearing loss, and fluid in his ears.  The doctor is hopeful we can correct it with tubes, but there is a small chance he will have permanent damage to his ears depending on how long the fluid has been sitting there (which is anyone's guess...long story).

Chances are this is a total non-issue and he will wake up from tube surgery hearing normally again. I know of a lot of children who are going through serious stuff, life-threatening stuff.  I realize this is such a small deal that many of you are rolling your eyes right now.  But the emotions involved with learning that your child is struggling--in any way--are real, and intense.  As I've processed this I've learned a few things I wanted to share, mostly as reminders to myself, because even if this turns out to be nothing, I know how life works.  Eventually my kids will all hit bumpy patches and my mama heart will want to jump in there and fix it.  So future Sarah, listen up.

First of all, we can't shield our kids from bad things happening.  That's just life.  They'll fail tests and hear hurtful comments.  They'll be left out.  They will find there are things they just aren't good at.  This is life.  Our job as parents isn't to pretend like these things don't exist or to keep our kids in a bubble so they don't have to feel any negative emotions.  Our job is to help them navigate these feelings.  Easier said than done.  And with my boys who don't talk to me?  Sounds impossible.  Ugh.  But I can model.  I can teach them how to pray and bring their negative emotions before the Lord and entrust them there.  When I do know what's going on, I can help them love those who hurt them and I can help them study for next time.  I can remind them of how they are fearfully and wonderfully made and point out their strengths and skills. 

And there's another important truth.  Nothing will happen to our kids (or to us...but that's a whole other post) that God doesn't allow out of His immense love for us.  Seems confusing sometimes but the truth is that God is writing our kids' stories.  He is the divine author with the whole picture in mind.  He knows the number of hairs on their heads and their number of days on this planet.  He can be trusted.  And he will use all of the hurts and pains and struggles to mold them and shape them into the little humans he wants them to be. 

So if my son ends up with a hearing aid (seriously...the worst case scenario here is so not a big deal!  I get that!), guess what?  God has a plan.  He will make it beautiful.  Maybe he will have greater compassion for people who are different or disabled?  Maybe he will learn sign language...and that skill could lead him to any number of cool experiences!  I don't know.  I don't know what his life will hold.  But I can't live it for him.  And I can't hold on to fear or guilt.  I can only trust him in the mighty arms of the One who entrusted him to us, and who loves him more than we ever could.

No More Hurry Up

I am tired of trying to rush Will out the door and into bed and into the bathtub and through with breakfast.  I am tired of saying "hurry up."  I'm done.  Because it's not his fault that we're running late...it's mine.  So I'm going to be a better time manager so that I don't have to be rushing, and we can enjoy even the mundane days of life. 

When do we learn that we have to always be "hurrying up" anyway?  Why don't we slow down and take our time.  Sometimes it's those little moments when Will is walking (slowly) up the stairs or walking (slowly) through the parking lot that are meaningful.  He is noticing and thinking and sharing, and I'm missing it.  I'm missing the opportunity to have conversations about the world around him.  I'm making him feel like he's disappointing me, while he's the one who's got it right.  I'm worried about being late and focusing on the future, while he is totally present in the now.

I don't need to be hurrying up.  It's my fault.  I'm the adult.  I can create change.

Training Pays Off!

I am often reminding myself that disciplining a toddler is really just training him in how he should go.  Rather than consequences for bad behavior all the time, it seems that it's really more about enforcing correct behavior so that he learns the proper way to act.  So, when I ask him to clean up the toys and he doesn't, he probably doesn't need a spanking.  He needs me to make sure he does clean up before he does anything else, showing him that he is expected to obey.  I can't expect complete compliance all the time.  He's 2 and this is new territory.  I am setting boundaries and he is testing them.  It's a dance.... I am trying to be consistent and teach him what the expectations are.

I say the same lines over and over and over again, as calmly as I can:

"When Mommy says to come here, Will, you come right away." 

"You obey Mommy the first time and with a happy face."

"That's not how you ask for things.  You say 'Mommy, may I please have ___?'"

And today.  Finally.  After uttering that last one probably hundreds of times, breakthrough.

I was nursing Ben on the couch while Will ate a snack at the table.  All of a sudden I hear, "Mommy, may I please have a wet towel?"

Music to my ears.  It paid off.  It will be hundreds of more times before he asks like that consistently, but that was just enough encouragement to me to keep going.  Keep calm.  He will get it eventually.  My job is to train him in the way he should go.  I have to keep at it!

To Blog...or Not To Blog?

I have not written anything here in a long time.  Not since I got pregnant and tired.  I decided I needed to spend nap time, well, napping...so that's what I did.  I have struggled with whether or not I should continue writing.  I want to.  I have lots to say...lots to remember and record.  I have a bad memory, so I like the idea of a lasting record of those melt-your-heart moments.  On the other hand, I want to be fully present for those moments.  For me, that requires being rested.  And I require a lot of rest.  I also want to make sure that I'm present for those moments and enjoying them, not just taking pictures so that I can post them later. I don't want to live my own life vicariously.

So, I think I'll continue as I can, when I can.  This blog is really just for me.  A place to ponder, reflect, process, improve.  A place to challenge myself to get better and to look for encouragement when I stink.  I want to be honest and let other moms know that they aren't alone in their fears and failures. 

Motherhood is tough.  And a little lonely.  Writing, letting other people into my world, makes me feel like I'm not alone, too.

More Than You Can Bear

There is a saying that "God will never give you more than you can bear."  I have even heard this saying attributed to the Bible itself!  In actuality, this is not from the Bible, nor is it even biblically correct, in my opinion.

What is in the Bible is that "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13).  Sometimes we are in situations that overtake us.  Sometimes we are pushed to our limits.  Sometimes we hit "rock bottom" and feel completely helpless.  In my life, I have seen God show up in just those moments.  He gives me more than I can bear on my own, so that I learn to rely on Him and His strength.  Without Him I am nothing.  With Him, I can do and I can bear all things.