Before we were married, my husband and I were deciding where to buy a home. I was scared about the investment and I was not looking forward to change of any kind, so I wanted to buy a small condo in the city. Alex was ready to buy a house in the suburbs we could live in for the long haul. We received some great advice at that point: There isn't a right or wrong decision, but whatever we decide, we have to be in agreement. We had to be a "united front." If we weren't, one party would always resent the other or blame the other if things went wrong.
We have tried to uphold that philosophy. Eventually we did agree on the house purchase and there have been other major decisions since then which we have approached the same way--Alex has changed careers, has considered going back to school, I have given up my job, etc. In each of these cases, unless we were both in 100%, a move wasn't made.
Parenting is going to require this united front more than ever! We will need to be united not just on big decisions like public or private school, but also on the little things like an appropriate bedtime. If we show our son that we are divided, he receives a poor model of marriage and he also can end up controlling us by pitting us against each other!
I got to spend a while last week talking to the oven repair man. He told me his life story, including the fact that he had been divorced from his wife because of disagreements over how to handle their drug- and alcohol-addicted son. Because they couldn't find a united front, the son brought about so many arguments that they ended up hating each other as well and their marriage dissolved.
I hope and pray that Alex and I can maintain that united front throughout our marriage. It will take sacrifice and compromise, but it's worth it.
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