Who Comes First?

I have already felt that desire that I have witnessed in mothers personally and in stories across cultures and through time: the desire to put her baby's needs above her own.  I catch myself not caring what or when I eat, as long as Will gets to breastfeed when he first starts to show signs of being hungry.  I will sacrifice my own sleep so that I can make sure Will is asleep and comfortable. 

But when I reach for a granola bar instead of taking the time to make a nutritious lunch for myself, I am not being a hero--I'm actually hurting my son by depriving my body of the nutrients it needs to produce high-quality milk.  When I don't sleep enough, I'm grumpy and impatient with him and Alex at the end of the day.  So even though it seems counter-intuitive, in order to be a good mom, I have to make sure I am taking care of myself.

Eating My Words

To prepare for our baby, I read books, did online research, attended classes...and went in to this whole thing with a parenting strategy that I assumed to be foolproof.  I was armed with information from the experts.  I realized early on that a huge part of parenting is eating your words.

After a breastfeeding class, I had gone over with Alex all the "dos and don'ts" that I had recorded carefully in my notes.  Among these was the advice to stay away from pacifiers and bottles until the baby is 2-4 weeks old and breastfeeding is well established.  There is a fear that the baby may otherwise experience "nipple confusion."  The second night in the hospital, I sent Will to the nursery so that I could get some sleep.  When they brought him in to me to nurse in the middle of the night, I noticed a pacifier in his bassinet that he had clearly used.  I had to make a decision right then about how to handle this and other similar instances going forward.  Did I want to make a big deal of this and ask the nurses to please avoid a pacifier at all costs?  Or did I want to trust that everything would be fine if he had a pacifier for a few minutes to buy me a little extra sleep.  I chose the latter.

I'm so glad that I had that experience so early on.  It has helped me release some of my fears of not doing everything "right" and it has set a precedent to help me make future parenting decisions.  Yes, I'm glad I have so much research and information at my disposal, and I will do that best I can, but at the end of the day, you have to do what works for you and your family. 

So I wasn't afraid to give a bottle early on when my breasts hurt too badly to nurse.  And I have rocked Will to sleep when I can't do anything else to settle him down.  I have let him sleep in a dirty diaper when I just can't bear to wake him up and risk a meltdown. 

Maybe I'm a terrible mother.  Maybe I'm just discovering what parenting is really about.

Things I enjoy about NOT being pregnant!

I really didn't mind pregnancy, but still I'm finding little things every day that make me thankful it's over. For example:

Now I can lean over the bathroom counter and get a much better angle at doing my mascara.

Now I can sleep on my stomach or even my back if I want to!

Now I can shave my legs and paint my toenails.

Now I can use a napkin on my lap. Because now I have a lap!

Now I can make it for more than 15 minutes (and even overnight!) without having to use the bathroom.

Now I can bend over.

Now I can walk much faster without any discomfort!

And now I have met my wonderful son and get to enjoy him every day. What a blessing.

Back to "Normal"?

Everyone says that with the baby, we'll find a "new normal."  This is true.  Things are different now and we've been dealing with a huge adjustment in these first couple of weeks.  Perfectly timed, my husband and I had the privilege of a date night this weekend.  Will is only 2 1/2 weeks old, but his four loving grandparents volunteered to take care of him and let Alex and me go out.  In preparation for the occasion, I tried on my pre-pregnancy jeans...and they fit!  I couldn't believe it.  They were snug, but they fit.  That motivated me to put on a little extra make up and pull out some fun jewelry.  I felt like the old "me"!

Leaving Will wasn't as hard as I thought it might be.  It felt strange to leave Will (he has hardly been out of my sight since he was born!).  But as soon as Alex and I got into his car, it felt like old times.  It felt "normal"--just us.  We had a great night at dinner and hardly talked about the baby.  We allowed ourselves to just enjoy being out together and not worry about what's going on at home. 

Of course our idea of normal will change as Will becomes more and more a part of our lives and activities.  Soon it will feel "normal" to be all together with Will and it will feel abnormal to be out alone.  So I guess we're still in transition, still adjusting.  All I know is that I can't wait to be back in my normal wardrobe!

You'll Never Know

On one of my lullaby albums is the song "You Are My Sunshine."  It had been a long time since I heard that one.  I started to sing along and heard the words in a new way: "You'll never know, dear, how much I love you...."  I immediately thought of an email my dad sent me last week where he was commenting on my new role as a mom and wrote: "Now you know how much Mom and I love you."

It's true!  I know love.  I love my parents and siblings, I love my husband, but I never understood that love that a parent has for a child until I had my own.  So, Will, remember that you'll never know how much I love you...until some day you have the honor of becoming a dad yourself!