Can We Really Have It All?

As I've been meeting other soon-to-be moms, I've noticed that most of them are planning to return to work after their babies are born.  In fact, on some of these pregnancy websites, it seems as though they assume that women are going back to work, constantly offering tips about pumping breast milk during the day, filing FMLA paperwork, and choosing a day care.

I'm in the minority.  I know of only 2 other moms my age who are also staying home with their children.  I recognize that each woman has to make this decision for herself and there are no two situations that are exactly alike.  For us, this is the best choice.  Financially, we can swing it (but it will be tight!), and it's the best decision based on our values.  I want to be able to focus my Type-A energy on raising a child, building into our marriage, preparing nutritious meals, managing the household affairs, and generally reducing as much chaos as possible from our already unpredictable lives.  I know that if I continued to teach on top of all of this, it would be one too many roles for me to handle effectively.  I would always feel like I'm falling short and would live with guilt and frustration.  I would always put myself last, not allowing me to visit with friends or go to the gym--activities that build me up physically and emotionally.

Some women have no choice.  Especially in today's economy!  Some women may be better moms if they continue to work and have that adult "outlet."  Some women choose to continue to work for other reasons.  I don't want to judge any other woman's decision, but I wonder if sometimes we make choices not based on what's best for us, but rather based on what we feel society expects.  Women of my generation have been raised to believe that we can do everything a man can do--and even more!  We can earn any business title, we can lead any organization, we can propose marriage, we can handle our own money and make our own choices.  We can also bear perfect children, live in a house straight out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine, and spend spa days with our girlfriends.  I believe all these things are true, but at some point, these expectations are unrealistic.  Something has to give.  It may be the marriage that takes last priority.  It may be the job performance that suffers.  It may be the children, left to nannies and housekeepers.  It may be our own well being.

I love that women are now being raised to see the world as being full of endless possibilities.  I believe that men and women should be treated equally and have the same choices and options.  But I wonder if the feminist movement has also done some damage.

I recently heard Martha Stewart interviewed on an old Oprah show (from 1994).  She commented that she considered herself to be a modern feminist because she is trying to bring value and respect to the many tasks involved with managing a household.  This was an interesting concept to me.  Maybe our society has lost respect for the traditional "female" roles?  Maybe women (and men, for that matter!) are ashamed or feel inferior if they choose to devote their lives to their families?  I think true equality of the sexes will be reached when women and men have the freedom to make any career choices, but base those choices on what's best for their situations, not on what they think society expects.

Things I Didn't Know About S.I.D.S.

I have been surprised at some of the things I've been reading about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) prevention. The guidelines have changed through the years as new research has developed.  Apparently, though, SIDS is still largely a mystery.  What I have learned is that most SIDS deaths occur in bed.  Most of the guidelines, therefore, deal with how a baby should be put to sleep. 

In case, like me, you don't know much about the SIDS guidelines, here are the basics, as well as what you can do to keep your baby safe:

1. Baby is safer in a crib than in his parents' bed.  There is a risk of suffocation if parents accidentally roll over on the baby or the baby gets tangled in the bed sheets.  
• IF YOU ARE SET ON BED SHARING, try the "Arms Reach Co-Sleeper" or "Close and Secure Sleeper."  The Arms Reach is a bassinet that sets up right next to the adult bed, but the baby sleeps on his own and away from the parents' sheets, blankets and pillows.  This way, when he needs attention, the parent needs only to roll over and she can reach the baby.  The Close and Secure Sleeper fits between the parents' pillows and the baby again sleeps away from the bedding, but still within easy reach for feedings, etc. 
2. Baby should sleep on her back.  This one is totally opposite from the recommendation when I was a baby.  The thinking used to be that a baby should sleep on her stomach so that if she spit up at night, she wouldn't choke.  However, the new research says "Back is Best."  Why?  I haven't found a compelling reason, actually.  But, since the recommendation, SIDS deaths have dropped as much as 70% according to sidsillinois.com.  
• IF YOUR BABY WILL NOT SLEEP ON HER BACK (or should not because of GERD), try a nap nanny or even allow your baby to sleep in a swing. 
3. Baby should sleep with no crib bedding, including crib bumpers, pillows, blankets, positioners, and toys.  The idea here is that once the baby can roll over, he can't always roll himself back.  If baby rolls over into the crib bumper or a blanket and gets stuck, he may suffocate.  Interestingly, in Canada, crib bumpers are not endorsed, and the Chicago city council is currently considering a ban on the items due to their potential suffocation hazards.  (More about the blanket thing next.) 
• IF YOU HAVE TO USE THAT ADORABLE BEDDING, just take it out of the crib after the baby is starting to roll over (around 4-6 months old).  Hang that cute quilt on the wall or on the back of a glider. 
• IF YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR BABY GETTING HURT IN THE CRIB SLATS, don't.  The distance between slats is regulated so that they are not big enough for a baby to fit through.  Another option is a "Breathable Bumper."
4. Baby should sleep without blankets on a crib mattress as firm as possible.  Here again, the risk is suffocation AND overheating.  Make sure the baby's room is a comfortable temperature for adults--it shouldn't be warmer than the rest of the house.  Make sure there aren't too many layers on the crib mattress.  Just a mattress pad and sheet is enough.  Keep the bed as firm as possible.
• TO MAKE SURE BABY IS WARM ENOUGH, many experts suggest "Sleep Sacks"--wearable blankets that zip up over the baby's PJ's.  These are available for preemies...and go up to 5T!  If you want to use blankets, wrap them tightly around the baby, under his arms, and tuck them into the bottom of the crib mattress so that they do not interfere with the baby's breathing.  For the first few months, swaddle the baby and he'll probably sleep better and be nice and warm without an added layer.
5. Baby should sleep on a waterproof mattress.  If it gets wet and bacteria grows on the mattress, it is a hazard.  
• IF YOU DON'T HAVE A WATERPROOF MATTRESS, a waterproof mattress pad is the next best thing.  Make sure you wash and dry all crib bedding thoroughly.

Other tips that some people recommend are having baby sleep with a ceiling fan to keep air circulating around the room and prevent the baby from breathing in his own exhaled carbon monoxide.  Some experts suggest putting baby to sleep with a pacifier.  Not sure why this one works, but maybe something to consider. 

A United Front

Before we were married, my husband and I were deciding where to buy a home.  I was scared about the investment and I was not looking forward to change of any kind, so I wanted to buy a small condo in the city.  Alex was ready to buy a house in the suburbs we could live in for the long haul.  We received some great advice at that point: There isn't a right or wrong decision, but whatever we decide, we have to be in agreement.  We had to be a "united front."  If we weren't, one party would always resent the other or blame the other if things went wrong.

We have tried to uphold that philosophy.  Eventually we did agree on the house purchase and there have been other major decisions since then which we have approached the same way--Alex has changed careers, has considered going back to school, I have given up my job, etc.  In each of these cases, unless we were both in 100%, a move wasn't made.

Parenting is going to require this united front more than ever!  We will need to be united not just on big decisions like public or private school, but also on the little things like an appropriate bedtime.  If we show our son that we are divided, he receives a poor model of marriage and he also can end up controlling us by pitting us against each other! 

I got to spend a while last week talking to the oven repair man.  He told me his life story, including the fact that he had been divorced from his wife because of disagreements over how to handle their drug- and alcohol-addicted son.  Because they couldn't find a united front, the son brought about so many arguments that they ended up hating each other as well and their marriage dissolved.

I hope and pray that Alex and I can maintain that united front throughout our marriage.  It will take sacrifice and compromise, but it's worth it.

Really?

Recently I read an article posted on the New York Post website entitled “Smokin’ Pot Mamas!”  The article exposes an underground movement of mothers who smoke marijuana in order to deal with the pressures of parenting.  Hmm.  Now I know I’m not yet a mom and I can’t imagine how stressful the job of full-time mom will be—and I’m certainly not kidding myself and thinking I’ll be sitting around watching soap operas all day.  BUT, pot?  Really?

First of all, let’s just remind ourselves that pot is still illegal in this country.  Legalizing marijuana a whole other debate which I will not engage in here, but the fact is that mothers who smoke pot are breaking the law.  This sets a horrible example for their kids.  And let’s face it: children are much more likely to imitate what they see their parents and role models DO rather than to obey what they SAY.
The article also points out the similarities and differences between using pot and using alcohol to unwind.  The mom interviewed in the article claims that smoking pot is safer than drinking because drinking can bring out aggressive behavior and can have long-term effects.  This may be true of heavy drinking—I agree that an alcoholic mother is not preferable to a pot-smoking one.  But what about heavy marijuana use?  Mothers who smoke heavily lose the awareness necessary to respond appropriately to their children’s needs and can compromise their safety, even after they are asleep for the night.  So abusing alcohol or pot leads to the same outcome: Parents who are unable to properly care for their children.  Now, the mother interviewed may be considering just light use—just enough to take the edge off.  If we compare light pot use to light alcohol use, pot still doesn’t make sense.  Marijuana smoke can fill the house and affect children where one glass of wine can have the same relaxing effect for the mom with no side effects on the kids.

No matter how stressful parenting gets, it’s up to the parent to control her own behavior and attitude and to manage in an adult way.  I have to believe that there are better, safer, ways of dealing with parenting stress.  Instead of turning to pot (or alcohol), I hope I take a walk or a bath.  On tough days, I hope I get a sitter or wait for Alex to get home and treat myself to a manicure or a shopping trip.  I want to join a play group or a mom’s club to give myself relationships with other mothers who can encourage and support me.  And I want to turn to God for strength and perspective.  I don’t want to cloud my mind and miss these precious days with small children.  Even though there will be days when it doesn’t seem true, I believe everyone who says that kids grow up too fast!

Bittersweet Goodbye

Friday was the last day of school…ever?  Knowing that I’m not going back to teaching makes me really excited.  I have long dreamt of being a stay-at-home mom.  I believe it’s going to be best for me, Alex, and our son.  With my personality, I would constantly feel as though I’m not a good enough teacher, mom, and wife.  I throw myself into whatever I do, and I want to make my family the thing I devote my time to.

Still, I was sad on Friday when it all hit me that I wasn’t going back.  I was sad to say good-bye to my colleagues—teachers I have worked with for 8 years and have come to enjoy and respect.  I was sad to say good-bye to that chapter of my life.  Life is all about ending one chapter and starting another.  But with each new chapter, change is hard.  And I’m not sure it’s the change as much as it is the unknown.  What will it be like to be a mom?  What will it be like to be a family instead of a couple?  How will our marriage change?  Can we afford to give up my income?  How will I find people to interact with on an adult level so Cheerios and dirty diapers don’t totally consume my life?  Will I feel productive and satisfied?

I was sad on Friday, but I keep coming back to the truth I feel deep down in my soul that this is what I am called to do.  This is what I deeply want to do.  I know that I will have bad days, but I know that I will be giving my time and energy to a great cause and I will feel content in that truth.