My Separation Anxiety

Will, my dear Will, is dealing with some major separation anxiety.  We started weaning just as I joined a new gym with childcare where I'm taking him twice a week.  Somehow the combination wasn't good and sparked this incredible attachment to me.

Let me give you the idea.

I carry him into the grocery store and he begins to cry and cling to me for dear life, afraid I'm going to leave him there.

I leave the room for a second at home to go to the bathroom and he screams bloody murder.

Alex takes him downstairs to play while I make dinner and he cries the whole time.

Ugh.

And this was the state in which we left him with my parents for 48 hours while we went away to Wisconsin.  Much to everyone's surprise, Will did great!  According to his grandparents' report, he was in a great mood, slept and ate well, and did not cry.

Of course I was happy to hear this.  Of course I want him to be able to cope without me.  Of course I want the freedom to get away and do my own thing every once in a while.  But there is a part of me that is sad, too.  I sort of wanted him to act a little more excited to see us when we got him.  I sort of like the little hands pulling at my pantlegs and the little legs wrapped like a monkey around my waist.  If I'm honest, even though it kills me every time, I even sort of like hearing him cry when I drop him off in the nursery.  Not because I like hearing him upset, but I like being loved, knowing he wants to be with me.

This weaning is becoming a bigger deal for me than I would like to admit.  I'm reluctant to give up nursing, but for many reasons I will not go into here, I know it is time.  I will be sad no matter when it happens...and sooner or later, that day must come.

Our neighbor-babysitter went to college a month ago yesterday.  I ran into her mother who reported that Rachel is doing well, studying hard, making friends, having a great time.  Such a great time that she doesn't want to come home!  She smiled and said she was so happy for her...all she wanted was for her daughter to one day thrive in college, spread her wings, be independent.  Then all of a sudden, she got all choked up and started crying.  The truth came out as she whispered, "I just feel like my heart has been torn out of my chest."

Oh, man.  All of a sudden, I lost it, too.  And there we are blubbering on the driveway, dealing each in our own way with that ever-present tension of parenthood.  We want our kids to go off on their own, we know that's our job after all, but we just want them to always come running home with a hug and a kiss and an "I missed you, Mom."  Motherhood is, as the saying goes, walking around with your heart outside your body.  I think mothers always feel a little funny until everyone is back safe in the nest.


Pastor Andy Stanley says we are all created to care about our parents.  He says we are all born with a giant bungee cord tied to us at one end and to our parents at the other.  No matter how far we stretch the cord, there's always a pull toward home.

I like that.  Maybe my job as a mom isn't to cut the strings and let Will one day fly free on his own wherever the wind may take him.  I think really my job is just to slowly...and I mean sloooooooowly...lengthen the cord and let Will run a little further, and then a little further, on his own.  Someday he'll be able to play in the basement alone, then go to school half day, full day, then go on sleepovers, then summer camp, then--gulp--college.  My job is to lengthen the cord and give Will the skills and tools he needs to thrive without me.

The ugly truth is that my end of the cord is tied to my heart, and with each tug and pull, it is my heart that ends up bloody and torn.  There is another truth: the truth that when he stretches the cord too far, there's only one place he'll end up.  He'll be sprung right back home, right back into my arms, with a hug and a kiss and an "I missed you, Mom."  And somehow that single moment heals everything.

Motherhood has already shown me unspeakable joy, and it has already exposed my heart to unbelievable pain.  I guess all loving relationships that feed and delight our souls at their deepest level require vulnerability and risk.  This is why we were designed to find our total fulfillment in God alone.  Humans will always disappoint us, but God never will.  Humans, even our own children, are ultimately out of our control, but never out of His.  Every day on this earth, as I deepen my love for Alex and Will, I deepen my dependence on God.

So while Will is adjusting to whole milk and time away from me in a nursery, I'm adjusting, too.  My little boy is growing up.  Time to lengthen the cord.  But just a little. 

13 months!

At 13 months, Will is walking all over with his walker or another push toy.

He started going to Fit 'N' Fun at Delnor Health and Wellness Center.

He took his first steps!

He can stand by himself. 

He is attached to his green crocheted blanket.

He is always asking to go outside or play downstairs.

He loves bath time and playing in the water.

He loves to play with the Dustbuster and vacuum cleaner.

He got his first pair of shoes, suitable for walking!

12 Months

We did it!  We made it through the first year.  I feel a huge sense of relief.  Now he can drink cow's milk and eat honey and sleep with a stuffed animal.  Praise God for his blessings.  I do not know why he chose to bless me with a healthy, joyful, energetic, smart boy...but I am so thankful he did.  I do not deserve such grace.  My heart is overflowing with thanksgiving.

Will is a little man now.  Babbling away, busying himself with toys...working one to the next.  His favorite remains the ball-popping dinosaur.  And balls in general.  Any size, any color.  He loves the big beach ball I got for him.  He also likes cars and things that move with wheels.

He also loves to be outside.  He likes to ride in his wagon or in the bike trailer.  He likes to take walks and go to the swings at the park.  He loves the splash park and the pool, and even the little baby pool I set up for him in the backyard.  He loves to play in the water!

To keep him entertained while I'm making dinner, all I need to do is open the cabinet where we store all the plastic stuff: leftover containers, water bottles, sippy cups.  He will go to town in there.  He likes to put the caps on and off of the cups and bottles, and he'll pull out the biggest container and push it around the floor like a car.  And sometimes, he just wants to cling to my legs which I don't mind either.

He's eating most everything, but temperamentally.  I cannot complain.  It is funny to see his face when he eats something he doesn't care for.  The disgust!

He isn't walking yet, but he's pulling himself up on everything and walking with a push-toy.  I don't think it will be long before he's walking on his own.

He still loves Bella--he constantly hugs her and pets her.  "Bella" is still his only real word.  But Bella and I are old news as soon as Daddy comes home!  He gives him a big hug and is always excited to wrestle or play football with Daddy on the living room floor.

It is such an amazing experience being a mom.  Every day is an adventure.  Every day is better than the one before.  I am excited to know that I'm only on the beginning of this journey, and the best is yet to come!

Floor Time

The other day, I am down on my hands and knees in the family room looking all over for a little plastic ball missing from one of Will's toys.  I'm climbing all over...getting frustrated.  Then all of a sudden, Will comes crawling over to me, pulls on my shirt, hands me a toy, and starts laughing. 

He thought I was on the floor to play with him.

I almost said, "No, honey, not right now, I'm busy looking for a ball."  But I caught myself. 

I realized the chance I had.  I was on the floor, on his level, in his world.  And he was excited to have me there!  So we played.

I need to get on the floor more.  Not just to mop it or clean up, but to play. 

What is Love?

What is love?  Really?

Yesterday I was telling a friend about my birth experience with Will and I confessed that I didn't really love him right away.  He seemed more like a stranger to me at first.  The love came with time.

But that's not true.  Loving feelings came over time.  Loving feelings came when I saw Will smile at me and when I heard him laugh.  Loving feelings exploded when Will began to love me back.  But love, the truest form of love I have ever felt, came the moment I saw those two little pink lines.

At that moment, I chose to alter my life and my plans and my waistline for the benefit of someone I couldn't see or touch or hold.  Someone who could not love me back.

When I cut back on caffeine, that was love.

When I endured a vicious cold with no medication, that was love.

When I gave up opportunities on our babymoon to go in a jacuzzi or go horseback riding, that was love.

When I sat uncomfortably on the floor for hours fighting with the assembly instructions for a pack-n-play, that was love.

When I endured back pain and nerve pain and labor pains, that was love.

When I comforted those newborn cries, that was love.

When I sat alone nursing in the middle of the night, crying silently with the pain, that was love.

All the love I've ever known for anyone grew over time.  As Alex exhibited his godly character and engaged me in soulful conversation and showered me in compliments and kindness, I grew to love him.  I loved him for who he was and for how he made me feel.  But that wasn't true love.  Not then.

We look for love deep in our souls.  We look for it in those moments when our hearts skip a beat and when we feel the butterflies in our stomachs.  But we're looking in the wrong places.  Love is more than that.

I couldn't know true love until I became a parent.  From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I chose to sacrifice myself to meet this little stranger's needs, to give him the best of everything, knowing he could give me nothing in return. 

I chose to love him.

I loved him not for who he was, but because he was.  Because he was, he was worthy.

And that's love.

"And God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
Romans 5:8