Bittersweet Goodbye

Friday was the last day of school…ever?  Knowing that I’m not going back to teaching makes me really excited.  I have long dreamt of being a stay-at-home mom.  I believe it’s going to be best for me, Alex, and our son.  With my personality, I would constantly feel as though I’m not a good enough teacher, mom, and wife.  I throw myself into whatever I do, and I want to make my family the thing I devote my time to.

Still, I was sad on Friday when it all hit me that I wasn’t going back.  I was sad to say good-bye to my colleagues—teachers I have worked with for 8 years and have come to enjoy and respect.  I was sad to say good-bye to that chapter of my life.  Life is all about ending one chapter and starting another.  But with each new chapter, change is hard.  And I’m not sure it’s the change as much as it is the unknown.  What will it be like to be a mom?  What will it be like to be a family instead of a couple?  How will our marriage change?  Can we afford to give up my income?  How will I find people to interact with on an adult level so Cheerios and dirty diapers don’t totally consume my life?  Will I feel productive and satisfied?

I was sad on Friday, but I keep coming back to the truth I feel deep down in my soul that this is what I am called to do.  This is what I deeply want to do.  I know that I will have bad days, but I know that I will be giving my time and energy to a great cause and I will feel content in that truth.

I Am Who My Son Will Be

Alex and I have started grasping the idea that this is all really happening!  Alex has been picturing the baby as a child for a long time now.  I have been more focused on the pregnancy itself, monitoring my body changing, and worrying about everything being okay.  I am finally allowing myself to get attached to the idea that soon, we will have a little boy in our house.  Soon we will be changing diapers, buying tricycles, driving to Tee Ball practice, helping with homework, watching high school sporting events, and one day, choosing colleges.

As I begin to picture this little baby as a boy, I have been asking myself what I want him to be like.  I want him to be a good student, athletic, respectful, compassionate, verbal.  I want him to learn to love life and to be full of joy.  I want him to be committed to Christ.  This is a tall order.  How do I train this child in a way that will make him all of these things?

My mother has said before that kids will learn what you teach, but they will replicate what you live.  In other words, as I am with my son every day, I am modeling behaviors that he will one day replicate.  I see that true in my own life—my own strengths and my own flaws are also strengths and flaws of my parents.  No one is perfect, and I’m sure biology gets in the way here somewhere, but I’m starting to realize the huge responsibility I carry.  If I want my son to read books, I have to read books.  If I want my son to be compassionate, I have to participate in service projects and give generously to those in need.  If I want my son to be full of joy, I have to let go of my worrying and lighten up a little.  If I want my son to be committed to Christ, I have to make my own Bible reading and prayer a priority.
I cannot control who my son will be.  I will not get caught up in worrying about that, either.  I can—and I will—be the best person I can be and trust God with the rest.

Lessons

I have learned that God gives you a baby in His timing and not in yours.  For us, it was only when we surrendered the entire process to his care that I got pregnant.  I remember standing in the shower while yet another of my weekly pregnancy test strips was developing and I prayed, “God, I trust this all to Your timing.”  And that was the morning I saw two pink lines.

I’ve also learned already that this little boy is God’s and not mine.  I know that God uses bad experiences to bring us to Him.  I know that his goal for my life is that I am completely dependant upon Him and that I live like that’s true.  For a few months I lived with a fear that God would take away this pregnancy in order to teach me to trust him.  I wouldn’t pray to draw nearer to Him.  I wouldn’t surrender the baby to Him.  I was so afraid.  But I learned another truth about God.  God is love.  Yes, I’ve known that since vacation Bible school, but I really had to get it.  God is love.  He loves me.  He loves this baby.  I can totally trust Him with the pregnancy and with this child as he grows because He loves him even more than I ever could.  He wants us to depend on Him.  And we can. Completely.  What a relief!

Little Mover

He’s still very active.  At my last check up, it took 2 nurses at least 5 minutes to get a heartbeat.  When the nurse had trouble locating a heartbeat at my 12-week appointment, I freaked out, assuming the worst.  But this time, I just laughed.  We all knew he had a heartbeat—that was not a question.  They couldn’t get a good reading of it because he kept kicking away the Doppler microphone they were using to listen in.  Every time the pitch of the Doppler would rise for a second as it registered a kick or punch.  The nurses commented what an active little boy he was.  I said that they didn’t have to tell me!  And as annoying as it was for them to find that heartbeat or 5 minutes, they were getting a glimpse into my life for the next 18 years!  He’d better be born with a great big Starbucks card tied around his wrist because I’m going to need extra caffeine to keep up with him!

Now I feel him moving around all the time.  I feel him kicking and hiccupping.  When Bella sits on my stomach, he kicks at her.  The first time she felt him, she was obviously startled and sat up and barked.  Now, it’s as if she just knows and she can sleep right through it.  We laugh seeing her head bob up and down with each little jab.  They’ve already bonded!  When I feel him now, I can picture his little face and his little hands and feet.  And I just smile, knowing he’s close and safe, and anticipating the years of joy ahead.  I imagine his energy will be draining and invigorating at the same time.

In Awe of a Miracle

I have never witnessed anything cooler than seeing our baby at my 20-week ultrasound.  The baby actually looked like a baby and even I could follow along and decipher the various shots and angles of actual limbs and organs.  The first thing the sonographer looked for was the gender, and it didn’t take her long to find out that it was a boy!  She commented that “he’s not shy” and “I’m glad you wanted to know the gender because that would have been hard to conceal!” Alex and I were laughing for the next 5 minutes.  She also couldn’t believe how active this little guy was.  He kept moving around and making it difficult for her to get good views of the organs and bones that she needed to measure.  It took about an hour in all as she methodically went through from head to toe (literally) getting views of each body part.  She spent the most time examining the heart.  At the time, the entire heart was the size of a pea, yet she was able to see 16 valves and even with a certain view, she was able to track the blood flow in and out.  She illuminated the oxygenated and deoxygenated blood so we could also see the red and blue lines indicating a perfectly healthy heart.  She used the same view to track the blood flow in the brain.  From this ultrasound we could already see the perfectly formed fingers and toes, and mouth and nasal cavity.  She measured each of his arms and legs and estimated he already weighed about 14 ounces.

The large amount of movement worked to our favor.  She tried to give us a 3D view of the baby at the end of the ultrasound so we could catch a glimpse of what he looks like.  I was hoping we would be able to use this feature of the sonogram machine.  At first, she couldn’t get a good read.  The baby has to be still long enough for the machine to perform a “sweep” and get a picture of the baby.  I thought we wouldn’t be able to see him at all, but she then said that there was another option: 4D.  She switched the mode on the machine and we were suddenly able to see our baby in 3D and in motion!  In an instant I got a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.  There he was!  The cutest thing I had ever seen.  He was curled up right against the side of the uterine wall, rubbing his eyes.  We could see his facial features, his arms and legs and tiny hands.  He started moving again and this time, batting at the umbilical cord as if he were annoyed with it being in his way.  We didn’t get much time to watch him, but long enough to get some still shots from freeze framing the video feed, and long enough for me to be completely overcome by what I was witnessing.  I had just started to feel him moving around—I had just gotten to the point where my normal clothes were just impossibly snug.  I had only known I was pregnant for 3 1/2 months!  In such a short time, 2 cells had grown into an unmistakably human-looking baby.  It is truly miraculous.  It is truly the work of an Almighty Creator.  I am so saddened by the number of abortions in our country.  I can’t help but believe that if mothers saw what I saw, they would not choose to terminate their pregnancies.  Even though the pictures are sort of blurry and distorted, when I saw that little face, I immediately fell in love with that baby.  I am now even more eager to see him in person in a few more months!